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January 14, 2006

Subcomandante Bob Admits: "I Am The Dalai Lama"

(Toledo, OH) Dispelling rumors circulating around the Internet, enigmatic editor Subcomandante Bob announced his true identity to a crowd of two media personnel.

"It's true," mumbled a recalcirant Bob, staring at his shoes. "I am the leader of the Free Tibet movement, His Holiness the 14th the Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso."

The Dalai Lamas are the manifestations of the Bodhisattva (Buddha) of Compassion, who chose to reincarnate to serve the people. Subcomandante Bob said that his nom de plume was really just a way to "get in touch" with the people.

"Look - this is a really uptight gig," said Lama/Bob. "This way I can meet chicks, get really fucking wasted, and walk around the apartment in my underwear, instead of the stupid Buddhist robe."

Since 1967, His Holiness initiated a series of journeys which have taken him to some 46 nations. His trips frequently place him in Toledo, OH.

"It's just about the last place the Peoples' Secret Police would think to look," Lama/Bob said. "And there are some really good hot dog joints here, unlike the goddamn tofu they gorge me with in Tibet."

Lama/Bob dismissed rumors that he is really a Toledo journalist and historian named Michael Brooks, or a constipated Yazoo MS truck driver named Vern Boggus.

"That four-eyed, chicken-eating, trailer-renting, knuckle-dragging moron is not worthy to lick the Tibetan crust between my toes," he said. "And as for Vern - well, he can handle an 18-wheeler, but his gasp of the Bodhisattvas leaves a lot to be desired."

We know who you are, Michael Brooks.

And we are watching you.
Look, idiot:

There is no "Subcomandante Bob," any more than there "is" a Ronald McDonald.

These sites take the work from a variety of contributors. You, youself, could contribute to this site.

That is, if you weren't such a blithering moron.
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