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January 25, 2006

English Prof Promotes Grammar To Thwart Teen Sex

Left: BJU students shown not fucking in new campus flyer

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Greenville, SC)—Marty Clemons, Assistant Professor of Composition at Bob Jones University, became very concerned last year when he saw a “disturbing increase” in the promiscuity of his students. This semester, Clemons is confident he has found the antidote for the love bug: grammar.

Clemons—like all of his colleagues—is a devout Christian, and strictly adheres to BJU’s mission which “stands without apology for the old-time religion and the absolute authority of the Bible” (www.bju.edu).

“I’m the first to defend our liberal arts approach to higher education,” Clemons remarked in an exclusive phone interview with the Collegian. “And we’re very progressive in the classroom, to be sure. But our students pay $20,000 a year for something more here at Bob Jones: sexual proselytism.”

Some of Clemons’ proposed activities include Semantic Olympics, Etymology Jeopardy!, and a Friday Night Semicolon Club.

“Our students need to re-assert their faith, now more than ever,” Clemons stressed. “Why should they smoke a joint and sixty-nine to a Styx record when they can study double-negatives in regional dialects?”

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