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December 13, 2005

Cruise Denies Existence Of Matter On News Show

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian rogue editor

Left: Cruise’s Eyes Smolder with
Hatred for Matter

(Los Angeles, CA)—Tom Cruise, ageless cinematic star of such blockbusters as Endless Love and Cocktail, recently denied the existence of matter in a candid interview with sixth grader Jimmy Baker, anchor of Newport Middle School’s weekly program Newport News.

Cruise, clad in a tight black T-shirt and stylish faded jeans, sat coolly in Newport’s band room behind the woodwind section, flatly rejecting the very basis of modern science.

“What is matter, Jimmy? It’s just stuff," he said. "Stuff that the scientific community makes billions off of each year through the sale of microscopes and those little soda-pop volcano kits from the Discovery Channel Store. It’s bogus.”

Baker, visibly uncomfortable in his clip-on tie, pressed Cruise to be more specific, but only managed to enrage the actor and elicit a melodramatic, Jerry Maguire-esque response.

“Let me tell you this, Jimmy,” Cruise enunciated through clenched teeth, leaning forward in his tiny chair, “I’ve read Newton and Einstein—they’re shit, OK? When I was coping with the mammoth success of The Color of Money, in the full throws of addiction, where was fucking matter?"

Jumping out of his chair, Cruise jabbed a finger in the chest of the adolescent reporter.

"No electrons came to save me then," he said. "It was my faith in Scientology, rooted in the eternal recurrence of my thetan, which pulled me through those dark times. You can keep your buzzwords and hokum.”

Cruise stormed from the band room visibly shaken, bumping three trombone players and knocking over a cello. Newport Middle School Vice Principal Edith Meyer stood by the journalistic integrity of Newport News, and denied recent rumors that their program receives hidden subsidies from the Federation of American Scientists and Bill Nye.

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