December 15, 2005
(Toledo, OH) After years of complaints from students, the UT Bookstore unveiled today its “Guaranteed Buck” buyback plan.
Barnes & Noble spokesperson Matt Shackleford said that every book returned at the end of the semester will qualify for a refund of no less than one crisp greenback.
“Students can be assured that they will be able to afford the bus trip back to the crummy little hovel that they call home,” said Shackleford. “Plus, chances are that they might be able to snag a can of Vienna sausages at the Stop-n-Rob with their used book cash.”
Shackleford said that the bookstore will enjoy another added benefit from the plan.
“Our cashiers will not have to waste so much time handing back nickels and dimes,” he said. “Do you know how long it takes to count all that shit out?”
The Codependent Collegian interviewed several students as they left the Bookstore. Junior Carl Stuart seemed pleased with his experience.
“Fuck yeah, me and Tommy raided a bunch of rooms in Greek Village during this massive party,” he said, waving a fist full of dollars. “We got all kinds of books!”
Senior Tim McKinnon said that he was going to invest his rebate - $4 – in a nice lunch.
“I haven’t eaten in a week,” said the emaciated McKinnon. “This may be the last time I chow until they cut my loan check next month, so I better make it count.” He picked out a pizza crust from the trash can as he walked away.