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December 14, 2005

Campus Love: Your Guide To Affairs Of The Heart

By: Codependent Collegian Advice Columnist, J. Randall Bellingham

Hello to all the lovely ladies, as well as all the young men who wish to achieve the level of success that I have attained in the realm of romance.

This is the first column of relationship advice that I am composing for the Codependent Collegian, and let me say that it is my privilege to dispense to you, the readers, the many love lessons that I have learned in decades of bringing felicity to the women of the world.

This week we will be answering readers’ questions on the language of romance. Many of you right now are saying: “Randall, teach me how to speak to my lovers in such a way that will turn them to butter.”

Get ready to make them melt, my children.

Dear Randall:
I have been using artificial means to convince the love of my life to be with me. Specifically, I have been putting Roofies in her Gatorade. At some point we need to transition to a more traditional relationship, one built on trust. How should I break the news to her? AJ in Toledo

Dear AJ:
The look of love in a semi-comatose lady’s eyes can be a blissful thing. Why spoil a good thing? As my daddy said, “If it ain’t broke, why the hell do you have to go screwing around with it, ass-face?” Perhaps you and your love should continue on this path. I suggest adding the psychotropic mood stabilizer Seroquel to her daily regimen. This drug has the added benefit of impairing long-term memory, and will make your love highly susceptible to suggestion. In this state, make her repeat “I DO love you! I DO love you!” just before she slips into Rohypnol paradise.

Dear Randall:
My boyfriend gets really violent when we disagree about major issues, such as money or dating other people. I am beginning to think that he may one day direct his violence toward me. Do you think that someone who breaks picture frames, carves angry messages into my Jeep with a screwdriver, and kicks my cat can be safe to date? Brenda in Cleveland

Dear Brenda:
The important thing here is for you to recognize the role that you play in your mutual problems. If you weren’t such a nagging shrew, your boyfriend wouldn’t act the way he does.

Take a good look in the mirror and truthfully assess your level of bitchiness. Can you honestly say that this good man, who shows how much he loves you, deserves to be treated like a child? I think not.

You need some lessons in being supportive, and understanding that your man is special. Even if he actually does hit you some day, you must recognize that this is a sign of true love.

Bruises, like hickeys, say to the world that you have a man who is not afraid to show how much he loves you. In an age of repressed emotions, this is a good thing.

funny shit.
Roofies are cool.
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