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December 13, 2005

UT Golfer Denies Steroid Use

(Toledo, OH) Despite public accusations by fellow teammates, UT golfer Donna Morgenthal denied rumors that she has been using anabolic steroids.

“Look, I eat healthy, lift weights, and stay away from tobacco,” she said. “The people making these claims are just jealous that I can drive with a 7-iron off the tee for 550 yards.”

Morgenthal scoffed at suggestions that she ballooned from a size 6 petite dress to sporting 27 inch biceps.

“I’m like the little engine that could,” she said. “With hard work, good diet, and a good trainer, anyone can be like me.”

When asked about midnight injections and secret rendezvous with nefarious characters, Morgenthal exploded.

“Listen, you skinny little bastard,” she screamed. “JUST—BACK—OFF.”

Pausing to catch her breath, the MAC champion golfer apologized for her outburst.

“I get a little emotional sometimes,” she said, digging her nails into her palms. “These people don’t know when to quit.”

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