December 10, 2005
(Washington, D.C.)—Billy Pilgrim, Rogue Editor of several leading news publications such as Toledo Tales, The National Nitwit, and The Codependent Collegian, offered a formal apology for the stagnation of all three media outlets earlier today, citing his raging addictions to Oxycontin, Yuengling Lager, and Asian pornography. As of press time, Pilgrim was en-route to a private rehabilitation facility at an undisclosed location.
“I would like to thank my brothers-in-arms, particularly Bob and Banfu, for sticking by me during this time of personal crisis,” Pilgrim said at a poorly attended press conference outside an Arby’s restaurant in Washington, D.C. “I am 100% at fault for the decreased hilarity in our publications, and vow, with God as my witness, to redouble my efforts once I get clean and sober. Just let me finish this roast beef sandwich.”
An anonymous source has cited Pilgrim, a former administrative assistant for the Associated Press and mailboy at The Washington Post, for letting his professional obligations slip in recent weeks. This, in turn, has damaged the reputation and chuckle-awesomeness of the aforementioned blogs, leaving his colleagues to reprint some of his older evergreen stories.
“I hope he gets his shit together,” lamented Banfu T. Burnside, his long-time friend and landlord. “He’s thrown up on my couch twice this week. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get tequila and stomach acid out of suede?”