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December 3, 2005

Museum Reaffirms Mission To Rob Nation Of Historical Treasures

Left: Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Assistant Editor

The Henry Ford Museum, as the self-proclaimed “greatest history attraction in America,” reaffirmed its prime motive to outbid the Smithsonian and other benevolent preservers of public memory by buying every meaningful scrap of American pop culture, a spokesperson announced last Thursday.

“Our goal has always been to pillage America’s collective consciousness for valuable artifacts,” senior public relations spokesperson Samuel Branch explained, “but given the warmth and vitality of the spring season, we felt the need to rededicate ourselves to the whimsical hoarding of historical relics.”

Located on the lush, 90-acre expanse of Greenfield Village in Deerborn, Michigan, the Museum preserves the legacy of innovative auto tycoon Henry Ford by housing noteworthy examples of American pride and unity, such as the Rosa Parks bus and the limousine in which President Kennedy was assassinated in 1963.

Additionally, the Museum maintains the Ford Rouge Factory, where car enthusiasts of all ages can witness the manufacture of the new Ford F-150 truck, as well as tributes to the factory explosion in 1999.

Billed in an ejaculatory burst of language as “a virtual reality theater adventure experience,” the factory tour allows industrial buffs to relish the magic of the assembly line by singing their forearms with welding sparks.

"There are few experiences as exciting as watching machines making more machines," said Branch.

He continued: “Ultimately, we offer attendees endless historical interaction that is well worth the $20 ticket price.”

Branch added: “Some critics argue our fee is exorbitant, but hey, what the fuck are unemployed stiffs in Michigan and Ohio gonna do — fly to D.C. and see better shit for free? I think not.”

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