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February 27, 2006

Registrar Worker Confesses: "I Get A Kick Out Of Fucking With Students"

(Los Angeles, CA) Longtime UCLA registrar employee Ellen Janikowski, in an interview with Codependent Collegian reporters, confirmed widespread rumors today.

"Yes, nothing gets me going better than being able to fuck with a student," she admitted. "Maybe it's sadistic, or maybe it's a function of burnout, but I go out of my way to jack over each and every student that comes in."

One of Janikowski's favorite tricks is what she calls the "missing form drill."

"Yeah, there's always another form that could be filled out, and it works best when they have to go and get another signature from the professor," she laughed. "The coolest ones are the distance-learning students who drive over here, only to find out that the instructor runs the class from a Montana ranch. Totally fucking priceless!"

Janikowski said that another humorous scheme involves erasing changes after the student leaves the office.

"Yes, Miss Preppy walks out of the Registrar office with that smug little smile of self-satisfaction," she chuckled. "As soon as her anorexic ass is around the corner, I hit DELETE and wipe the screen clean. Then, when she comes back to complain, I just smile and blame the IT geeks."

Her favorite time to screw over students, said Janikowski, is about a week before graduation.

"Yeah, there is nothing like changing some idiot's grade to an "F" in a core course to set the little fucker all a-flutter," she said. "It's best to do it with some senile old prof that just went emeritus - the old coot will probably not even remember the kid." brrreeeport krugle

Why isn't the bitch in prison?
maybe because this is a satire article? lol
Anon 12:46; it's satire. As in, not real.
Hahaha. Yes, quite tasty.
This can't be satire. Satire is supposed be humorous, whereas this merely has gratuitous vulgarity masquerading as humor.
If this is true I'd personally seek out this demonic bitch and slit her throat with those forms she makes students fill out. College is hard enough, students don't have time to deal with angsty registrar secretaries.
'If' this is true?? Read the top of the Website ya ADAD twits. "All the news that we can make up, and we deliver satire and parody about life on college campuses. Professors, students, college administrators, and everyone else we can think of get skewered here." or the fine print below - gee, folks like this deserve to be f*cked with by this type....

...and satire is by definition gratuitous.
To the idiot that wrote -
"College is hard enough, students don't have time to deal......"

First off, it's a joke stupid.
Secondly, yeah, it's real hard and there's not enough party time is what you mean. Try getting a real life job...........

Maybe you shouldn't be in college since it appears you can't or don't know how to read well enough
to see it's a spoof......
Not funny. Sorry just felt really not amused after I read it. I was thinking I'm done but I'm still not laughing.
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OK, it was not the funniest piece we have run on this site, but it is deadly, wicked satire.

Those who do not see the underlying reality being skewered must have been fortunate to have avoided people like the mythical Ellen Janikowski when they attended college.
you can bet that there is someone doing it though.
This woman needs the whole dragged-out-to-the-desert-with-her-eyelids-cut-off-and-left-there-with-nothing-but-fire-ants-and-honey treatment.
stupid. and i know its not real. but it's not funny. some of the reader comments are fucking scary, though.
Hey Bob - I thought it was pretty funny, and I have been dicked over by people like that bitch in colleges.

Ever go to the fiancial aid office? I got sweaty palms and a sick feeling in my stomach every time I went there, because they ALWAYS had something screwed up with my financial aid.
and... to the idiot that said:

"First off, it's a joke stupid.
Secondly, yeah, it's real hard and there's not enough party time is what you mean. Try getting a real life job...........

Maybe you shouldn't be in college since it appears you can't or don't know how to read well enough
to see it's a spoof......"

Try doing both at the same time and tell me it's not hard. Parties? Maybe for others. At least you can still party if you're just working.
Wow. That's terrible. This is my first trip to the Codependent Collegian, and it will be my last. Even your "About Me" quote is a ripoff of an old Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy. Not only not funny, but derivative to boot. Way to go!
"Secondly, yeah, it's real hard and there's not enough party time is what you mean. Try getting a real life job..........."

Yes, there's partying in college. However, I am an alumnus and I find I have a great deal more free time now that I'm finished with college and gainfully employed - including the 1 hour commute each day.

The fact is that for most people, when they leave work at the end of the day, they're done. Most college students can't get away without doing homework on nights and weekends. I can actually go home and play video, watch movies, and read 'til it's time to go to sleep.

Clearly you've never actually been to college if you think a full time job is harder.
DAMMIT, anonymous 5:57 AM!

It was going to be YOUR visits that make or break this site.

(bob grieves)

Bob may indeed have ripped off Jack Handy, but maybe Jack Handy ripped off Bob. Who gives a fuck?

Laugh, yawn, frown - some pieces work, some don't. Do you also bitch at a acomedy club if a joke falls flat? You must be a load of fun at parties, pal.
OH cut the crap you damn drama queens...

College is not as hard as real life.

College is a make believe little world were the real world and its real responsibilites dont apply to 90 % of the people there.

This is humor/satire and is fine...but for the fuktards that cant comprehend such go back to your damn college campus and dont bother graduating...your not gonna hack it in the REAL WORLD!

Bunch of PUSSIES!
Bob (see my bunch of pussies remark above)

Keep up the good work and dont let the asshats get you down!
The thing that's so sick about this one is that it's almost believable. If you've ever gone to college, you know that some of the secretaries that work in the registrar's & business offices are some of the most sadistic SOBs out there.
I'm a regular reader here, so I don't really get the "hate" comments. If you don't think the site is funny, just leave. There's no need to be an asshole when people are trying to bring some laughter into the world. Lord knows we need it...
I worked in a financial aid office, and thought this piece was just brilliant. Believe me, we've all had thoughts like these. There's nothing quite like having some preppy undergrad get an attitude with you because their loans haven't disbursed yet, only to find out the dumbass hasn't registered for classes yet. Though yes, the vast majority of them are perfectly nice people. But undergrad was the easiest four years of my life, so my sympathy goes only so far for non grad students.
just wasn't funny. at all.

maybe thats part of the satire too? haha, now thats funny
lol, nice...there are the "Ellen Janikowski"'s out there & this article shows how cold hearted they can be...and yeah, went to college 4 nights a week & saturday...worked M-F 40 hours a week...3 years=Bachelor in Business Management...partying stayed at a minimal (all work and no play make jack a dull boy ;*)
This wasn't funny.

It was fucking HILARIOUS!
She would be perfect at the Registry of Motor Vehichles
Hahaha! I worked at an ISP that had mostly students as customers... what idiots! I know this is satire but I could write pages and pages of how I used to fuck with students! It's so easy, because they're so self-rightous. And they love to practice their argumentation skills, but then are so sad when they get shut down by a pro! Fuck students, and their mommies and daddies too! lol!
God that chick is hot! Can you imagine get all up in her stuff? WOW! Just looking at that foxy mouth is enough to make me adjust my medication accordingly so that I can pummel the dolphin!
weak. Not so much satire as a caricature of a registrar. And a predictable one at that.

Good thing writing's not a core class in college anymore...
Thanks SC Bob. Good
haha, its funny because its true
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

LAWL!!! it's so funny every time I say it
i is funny...and it's a sad state of affairs that college students don't understand what satire is.
sat·ire (săt'īr')

1. A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
The branch of literature constituting such works. See synonyms at caricature.

2. Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity.

This piece seems to answer that definition on all counts, anonymous.

And, if you can do better, get writing, asshole.
Hey, Subcomandante Bob. Stealing sayings from Jack Handy just makes you look like an idiot.
Not as much of an idiot as someone who spends their time on Internet flame wars.

I work on a college campus and this is how a lot of us feel, the little darlings have no idea how hard it is without mommy and daddys money to bail them out of a jam. You should see the look on their faces when they lock themselves out of their dorm room. they see me walking down the hall and ask "can you let me in my room I locked my keys inside?". I just ask them "how much does that pay?", and they lose their little fucking minds... so so soooooo funny!

1. Bob steals ideas wherever he can find them, and especially when he has none of his own.

2. There is no such thing as an original thought. Ask any comic. The trick is to reinvent what has already been said in a new and interesting way. The plot of every movie you folks watch was done by Shakespearre, and he stole most of his ideas from the Greeks, Romans, and Ben Jonson.

3. When Bob drinks heavily, everything seems funny.

4. When Bob does not drink, nothing is funny.

5. Bob agrees with the last anonymous poster - if y'all can do better, start writing; otherwise shut the fuck up.
Whew! Tell us how you REALLY feel, Bob.
Was this the funniest thing I ever read? No.

Was it entertaining? Yes.

Are there a lot of crackheads who think they know something about writing posting comments here? Definitely.
wow - a lot's changed in the 10 years since I graduated college. Students had a brain & a sense of humor back then...what a bunch of retards in here complaining about a spoof.

Y'all should just kill yoursleves now to spare you the pain of trying to compete with me for management positions in the job market. Even better, I interview people all the time who are just as clueless and brain dead as this lot, and it's not surprising that they wonder why I don't hire them.
^^^^^^^^ I agree ^^^^^^^^
hmm.. not very funny at all. This site reminds me of a Pauly Shore movie. It tries so hard to be funny but lacks the wit of clever writing. Nice effort though. How the heck did this get greenlit on fark?
This article doesn't even show an ounce of the mannerisms that an old lady would possess. At least TRY to make it sound like she's an old lady or else just replace that picture with a 21 year old foul mouthed punk. Oh but I suppose you think it's clever to make it seem like this is how a mean old lady would act. Yawn...
For the brave soul who posted anonymously that "Clearly you've never actually been to college if you think a full time job is harder."

Actually, my job entails a little more than making sure the fries are warm and saying "Thank you, drive through!" Maybe one day that those 6 years you spent in Community College will pay off, but until then: I WANT A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER COMBO!
Oh, now it's time for the media critics.

Gosh, we here at the Codependent Collegian could sure use some REAL writers like you folks.

Of course, if you actually had any talent, you wouldn't be posting anonymous comments, would you? You'd be linking to something that you have done.

Something besides taking craps on other people's sites.

Kiss my fat arse you sanctimonious twits.
Don't let these idiots get you down. This was pretty funny, and you guys have a ton of talent.

Dear naysayers: why don't you read some of the other material? Oh wait that would mean you would have to do something besdes whine.
I'm finding this difficult to masterbate to...
wow... some people are just BITTER in here. You guys are Jerry Springer entertaining, and that's not saying much. This article is Hilarious! Satire or not, you guys either need some meds, a refresher in Adult Language 101, or you might want to consider buying larger size panties so that they dont twist up so much. Enjoy life... or die
Man, the bitch should burn. Gee, simple little F on your report is no big deal. It'll just cost you a year of your youth an 20 thousand dollars.
Funny stuff, I guess the people who don't find it funny never went to college and had to deal with the myriad of forms and signatures you must obtain to do just about anything.
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This is unbelievable. Somebody should report her to the Dean. How can people laugh at this?
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Goodnees Gracious! I cannot believe that this woman is for real! How has she not been found out and reported to the proper authorities? I agree that she should be in prison. Yes, indeed. Prison. Because her actions, which are all true and extremely malicious, have obviously done serious harm to those around her. Tweetingly Torpintowers!
Aw, come on...she's *hot*, what with the way her lip curls just ever-so-slightly to reveal her vicious pearly whites.
I want to know why all you snivelling, yeller bellies ain't enlisting for the Nam, err I mean Iraq, ya buch of half tracks

SlocombNavigator sends
I find the acidity of the comments here quite perplexing.

Makes me think this piece touched a raw nerve. Or two. Which, last time I checked, is a large part of what satire is supposed to do.
What twattery. None of us would have gotten through college without our administrators - some of whom may be cranky old ladies, but most of whom do a lot of crap work for no thanks to cover your butt on the necessary paperwork. You screw up something and she calls you on it, makes you fill out a form, and suddenly she's a horrible bitch who takes pleasure in fucking with your life.

Get one. Please.
this is why handgun ownership is legal in most states
This old gal would be a prime candidate for the Oregon teachers union president. The union's leaders here are all screwballs and she would fit in perfectly.
What's more amusing than the article is the anger ya'll show.
Time to ruck up, suck up, shuffle to the door.
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