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February 11, 2006

Student Develops New Test Taking Matrix

(East Lansing, MI) Building on the old adage "just guess C" on tests in which the student is clueless, Penn State sophomore Mickey Dreheim has developed a more sophistictaed matrix that he believes "achieves near-100% success."

"Every professor has a methodology to the manner in which they assign letters on multiple choice exams," he said, poring over a set of spreadsheets. "My system determines early on what the pattern is, and quickly detects if the instructor deviates from the set pattern."

Dreheim says that his system only applies to tests designed by humans.

"ACT, SAT, and GRE are machine - based, and you would need a CRAY 2000 to analyze those patterns," he said. "What I am talking about is your average university liberal arts prof. These tests are easy to decipher."

Dreheim said students must first determine if the professor has a predilection to a "horizontal" or "diagonal" answers.

"Answer the ones you do know, and look to see how they change direction," he said. "You should be able to tell within 10 questions what type of answer-generator they are. From that point, use the formula A=W+X+Y+Z/4 +1, where W-Z are the number of previous A,B,C,and D answers."

Dreheim's roommate was less than enthusiatic about "The Matrix."

"Dickhead here has been spouting off about this for 6 years worth of undergrad work, and he carries a 2.1 GPA," said Todd Jorgenson. "If this system was so good, why is he still 24 credits away from graduating?"

ah, scantron tests. the bane of many a good pupil.
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