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February 5, 2006

Prof "Completely Tanking It" On Super Bowl Weekend

(State College, PA) Penn State political science professor Neil Killebrew said that the appearance of his favorite football team - the Pittsburgh Steelers - in Super Bowl XL has caused him to rethink this week's pedagogical plans.

"I planned to grade papers, prep for my lectures, and finish an article for an academic journal this weekend," said Killebrew. "But I woke up Saturday morning and said to myself: 'Fuck it.' I then went to the liquor store and bought three fifths of tequila."

Killebrew said that he has manitained a "raging buzz" for the past 28 hours.

"Not quite wasted, but definitely not sober," was how the tenured professor described his consciousness. "I have another fifth to get me through the game, and then I am going to collapse. My first class is not until noon on Monday, so I should be able to crawl in and get through."

The professor, who said he will "totally phone in" his lectures Monday, did not see how his students could feel shortchanged.

"Face it - half these SOBs are asleep within two minutes of class starting anyways," he said, downing a double shot of Cuervo. "For all they care I could just read county-by-county electoral results of Proposition 9 in the 2000 statewide election. As long as I pass them all with a C- or better, everybody's happy."

Ugh, so true. Damn Steelers fans.
Dude, I think that's my Uncle Mike.
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