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February 17, 2006

Colorado University Gets Ready For Cheney Speech

(Boulder, CO) Security personnel at Colorado University are into high gear for a scheduled speech by Vice President Dick Cheney.

"We are outfitting everyone who will be within 200 yards of Vice President Cheney with orange hunting vests," said CU Public Safety director Art Hannaford. "That didn't relly help Harry Whittington, but we figure a sea of orange should be easier for the Vice President to see."

Hannford said that all weapons brought to the auditorium will be checked to make sure they are unloaded.

"Cheny might be able to sneak in a few shells, but he's not going to come in locked and loaded," he said, strapping a small caliber pistol to his right leg. " We think we will be able to Tazer him if he tries something wacky."

Alcohol will be banned within a 4 - square mile radius of the school.

"He could still sneak in a hip flask or something, but we figure he will not have enough time to get good and wasted," said Hannford as he prepared some logistical maps. "We are worried, though, that Kappa Kappa Delpha might try to party with him before the speech. If they get to him, we are screwed."

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