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August 23, 2006

Fourth Year Student “Totally Outraged” Senior Discounts Don’t Apply to Him

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(College Park, MD)—After four years of meaningless general education courses and crummy housing, Tim Bixler was looking forward to his final two semesters at the University of Maryland, when he would reap the many rewards of his hallowed Senior status.

The most valuable of these, or so Bixler thought, was his Senior Citizen discount at local retailers, movie theaters, and restaurants.

Bixler was shocked to discover late yesterday evening, however, that the term “Senior” referred to individuals of retirement age—in most states, 65—and had no bearing on his academic accomplishments.

“I felt like I’d been fucking robbed,” Bixler huffed while nursing a cup of coffee at a local Denny’s. The past three years blew, man—algebra, psychology, jazz appreciation—I’m a Spanish major for Christ’s sake.”

According to Bixler, his previous misinterpretation resulted in a heated public confrontation last night at Cherokee Lanes, the most popular bowling alley in College Park.

“Those bastards wanted me to pay my old rate of $3 a frame,” Bixler reflected. “I told those guys I’m a Senior Citizen now, so I get the $1.50 rate. You should have seen the look on the manager’s face—he almost shit himself laughing. I tell ya, a senior gets no respect in this town.”

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