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August 17, 2006

Freshman “Totally Bummed” by Crappy Schedule

Bummed college studentBy Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Longenecker pouting at his favorite watering hole

(Toledo, OH)—Matt Longenecker, an incoming freshman at the University of Toledo, thought it would be a "cinch" to select his fall schedule in August, despite months of procrastination.

However, he was stunned to learn that only a few courses remain open, none of which are in his major.

“I want to be a philosophy major cause, like, I love to analyze how meaningless stuff is,” Longenecker poignantly revealed. “But now I’m stuck taking a criminal justice class for three hours on Monday nights, and a section of freshman comp on Saturdays. I didn’t even know colleges had classes on Saturdays. This is some sort of cosmic joke.”

In order to maintain full-time status, Longenecker had to add some "completely useless" credits.

"I'm taking a 3-credit yoga class and 1-credit courses in wine-tasting, bowling, and meditation," he said, picking at a scab on his arm. "It was either that, or forego that $2,000 financial aid refund I am going to get in October, and I want some spinner rims, so a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, right?"

Arthur SchopenhauerLeft: Let me tell you about visions and colors, dude

Longenecker’s parents, however, do not appear to sympathize with their son’s plight.

“God bless UT,” huffed John Longenecker, 58, an electrical engineer. “They sent my kid at least a dozen letters this summer reminding him to pick his classes, but what did he do? Smoke pot all day and watch reruns of M*A*S*H. Yeah. He’s the next Schopenhauer.”

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