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August 22, 2006

Freshman Decries Lack of Willing Threesome Partners

Wild college manBanerman, ready to PAR-TAY

(Toledo, OH) Encouraged by the excitement he saw on the DVD "Ohio Coeds Gone Wild," freshman Kyle Banerman had high hopes as he unloaded the last of his belongings from his mom's minivan.

"I thought to myself 'PartyTown, here I come,'" he said. "The reality is that I have yet to even score a phone number. How depressing."

Banerman said that he feels deceived by university officials and the producers of the "Gone Wild" film series.

"Yeah, on Rocket Launch they told us that the students here were a real 'fun bunch.' Hey - I can read between the lines as much as anyone, and I got what the dude was saying," he said. "On the video there were at least a dozen bitches that said they was from Toledo, and that they will take on anyone. Well, here I am - where are da bitches?"

The freshman said that the closest he has come to connecting on a 3-some was when his roommate recommended a downtown club - Hooterville Station.

"This dude came up and started talking about 3-ways in the parking lot, and I'm all 'Let's do it!'" he said. "I go out back and there's like 15 gay dudes in this mobile home. I was like 'no way, brother, I don't swing that way.'"

Left: Banerman's new friends

Banerman said that he must have had a little too much to drink that night, because he felt "all woozy" within minutes of the trailer party.

"I woke up the next morning at some weightlifter's place," he said. "The dude told me he carried me home after I passed out. Boy, it sure was nice to wake up on satin sheets instead of face-down in a gravel parking lot. Dude was pretty cool."

# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 1:43 PM
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