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August 7, 2006

Subway’s Jared Heckled During Inspirational Speech

Jared Fogle By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Fogle, moments before the booing

(Baton Rogue, LA)—Jared Fogle, the iconic weight-loss spokesperson for Subway restaurants, was heckled to the point of tears during his recent appearance at Louisiana State University’s football camp.

Fogle was one of many celebrities hired by LSU coaches to inspire players during their intense preseason training, but sadly, Fogle’s inspirational tale of overcoming obesity fell on deaf ears.

“When they said celebrity appearances, I thought—shit, we’re gonna meet Pam Anderson or something,” recalled LSU defensive end Claude Boten, Jr. “Then this pudgy Jewish guy comes in talkin’ about tuna on wheat. That’s when we started throwing jockstraps.”

With a public relations nightmare on his hands—not to mention severe criticism from the overweight community—LSU head coach Les Miles seems to deeply regret his decision to have Fogle speak.

“You know Billy, hindsight is 20/20,” Miles sighed. “I thought my guys were respectful enough to listen to Jared’s bit with respect and courtesy. After the hurricane [Katrina], though, the phrase ‘food addiction’ just sounds like a bunch of pussy bullshit to these players—and I’m inclined to agree. Just don’t print that—we’ve got enough fallout from this already.”

Good grief. Are there no manners left in this world. I mean, I agree, they could have found someone who would appeal much more to football players but throwing jockstraps and booing!? How juvenile! Bench them all!
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