Codependent Collegian

By: Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Wally York, a special needs employee at a nearby Arby’s, is the only employee who regularly washes his hands before his shift or after using the lavatory, according to a recent report by the Lucas County Board of Health.

“That nigga ain’t right,” commented Sheila Watkins, a part-time employee who often works weeknights with York. “He goes in [the restroom] like, a million times every night, and he never zips up his fly. I bet he beats his shit in there. I don’t trust anybody who smiles all the goddamn time like that.”

York was unavailable for comment, but shift manager Tim Bowland vouched for his professionalism.

“Look—the guy drools and has no idea how to fill out his time card, but he’s one of the best employees I got," he said. "At least he doesn’t steal food like you-know-who.”

Fry cook Bobby Masson disagreed.

“There’s something wrong with that boy,” he said. “It just ain’t natural to be in the bathroom so much.”

Arby’s, LLC—the parent company of all Arby’s, T.J. Cinnamons and Pasta Connection restaurants— affirmed its dedication to hygienic kitchens and quality meals in a recent press release.

“While the City of Toledo has legitimate concerns about the condition of this Arby’s restaurant,” the release read, “we are nonetheless proud of Mr. York and his shining example of productivity, determination, and cleanliness. If every Arby’s employee had an I.Q. of 48, our success would be limitless.”