Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Although the Starbucks on the University of Toledo’s Bancroft Campus has always generated substantial revenue—even by corporate standards—manager Nick LoBianco decided to add a new blockbuster coffee this month: the Fucka Latte.

“We’ve enjoyed tremendous success here at UT since day one,” LoBianco candidly shared in a phone interview earlier this week with the Codependent Collegian. “This addition really had nothing to do with profits; it was simply a matter of maintaining our reputation for outstanding service and exotic brews. And what could be more exotic than a quickie with your cup o’ joe?”

The move has clearly enraged many UT organizations, such as the Campus Crusade for Christ, which has decried the decision as a “supreme distortion of beverage vending.”

However, some faculty members have hailed this new offering as a triumph of free markets and American ingenuity.

Business professor John Unger was particularly optimistic about the Fucka Latte, and mumbled “oh, sweet, sweet capitalism,” between deep, guttural moans as he received service from sophomore Brenda Thompson, who works part-time at the UT Starbucks from 4-9 p.m. on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings.

“I’m glad Starbucks is giving back to the UT community,” Unger added minutes later after he composed himself. “After screwing us for $5 coffees and $3 cookies, it’s about goddamn time consumers climbed on top.”