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November 14, 2005

Provost Admits: "I Pretty Much Just Jack Off All Day"

(Providence, RI) Confirming widespread suspicions about administrative bloat in the nation's universities, Brown University Provost Martin Haverford admitted that his position is largely symbolic, and that he does little real work.

"I think I am typical of most university administrators," he said. "I get here about 9 AM, play a couple of games of Tetris, sign some papers, and then head to lunch. It's a 50-50 proposition if I return after lunch."

Haverford believes that he has earned his position.

"Look, I did the classroom thing for 14 years," he said. "Those fucking students will drive you absolutely nuts if you can't dream of a better life in the upper administration."

Taking a Darwinian approach to his hierarchical success, Haverford said that positions such as his are necessary in the modern university.

"We are essentially an academic corporation here at Brown, and it's kill-or-be-killed in today's universities," he said. "Can you run a Fortune 500 company without a phalanx of highly-compensated individuals? No-sir-ee!"

Haverford said that he resented call by legislators to cut funding to the nation's universities.

"Hey man, this is a regular gravy train," he said of his employment situation. "You think I am going to say anything that screws with my 401-K and pension? You're kidding, right?"

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