November 9, 2005
Flunking Student Dedicates Self To Being A Complete Ass
(Evanston, IL) Northwestern University freshman Marty Jamieson began the semester with high hopes after snagging a lucrative scholarship package.However, after too many weeks of excessive drinking and Madden 2005, Jamieson is failing two courses. Worse yet, the deadline for withdrawal has already passed.
Jamieson has thus morphed into a professor's worst nightmare.
"If I am going to flunk, I am going to do it with style," he chuckled. "I have now devoted myself to a new purpose - becoming the biggest asshole in the history of Northwestern."
Jamieson described the first act of his new scholastic drama as a "doppelganger scheme."
"I bought an inflatable doll, and when I went to class, I left the doll in my chair," he laughed. "Then I announced that I had an important meeting to go to, and that the doll would be taking notes for me. Hilarious!"
Jamieson's next plan called for a bit of mimicry.
"I came to class wearing the same clothes as the professor, including the black T-shirt he wears under his suit jacket," he chuckled. "Then I called the professor a copycat; man, you should have seen that guy tweaking!"
The best gag that Jamieson has played this month required a high degree of concentration.
"I pretended to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class," he said. "Then I woke up in an annoying way with lots of loud yawning, said that I missed the lecture, and asked the professor to summarize what she talked about. Priceless!"
Northwestern University, citing confidentiality rules, said that it could not comment on Jamieson's status.
"He is free to act like a complete dick if he wants to," said a spokesperson. "We get paid either way."
