November 27, 2005
UT Motorist Group: "Pedestians Must Go"
Left: UT student "Ginuwine" protests campus pedestrians
(Toledo, OH) Representatives of a pro-motorist group, Tricked Out Car Klub (TOCK), gathered to protest what they call the proliferation of annoying pedestrians on campus.
Sitting behind the wheel of an ultra-mack 1998 E 430 sport with a thumpin' Bose premium audio system, spokesperson "Ginuwine" said that pedestrians pose a threat to motorists in a hurry.
"Yo. So I'm already 10 minutes late for class, and then this motherf***er thinks that those crosswalk lines mean something to me," he said. "Then he gives me this wack "slow down" shit, like I actually care."
Left: Tweaking walkers messing up a dope groove
Ginuwine said that campus police should be ticketing walkers.
"Yeah, boyeeeee. So I'm, like, driving on the winding roads between U-Hall and Snyder memorial, and this bee-otch starts flipping me off," he said, over the pounding def beat. "I'm all like: 'Why you bugging?' and she's all like: 'Get off the sidewalk, freak!' What a wack-ass buttaface."
The group also believes that there should be a new campus parking hierarchy based on automobile quality.
"Lissen up, y'all. Why should those hoopty-driving, class-freaking Jakes get to park in all the yellow spots?" he said of faculty. "They should save those for the big-baller crunks driving da Henny Shiznit, ayeeet?"
Once again, Subcomandante Bob and cohorts could not get off their lazy asses to provide you, the reader, with fresh material and opted to reprint a popular piece. Instead, they sat on their duffs and watched football all freaking day; at this rate, all 119 readers will have bolted the Collegian for more reliable satire sites. SHAME, SHAME SHAME!
