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July 22, 2005

Intelligent Design Advocates to Take on Theories of Gravity, Contagion

(Topeka, KS) Fresh from their recent victories over Darwinism, pro-creationism advocates from the Discovery Institute announced that they will now turn their sights on other secular scientific dogmas, including the so-called Newtonian law of gravity as well as the neo-pagan belief in contagion theory.

Jonathan Wells, a fellow at the explicitly pro-Intelligent Design think-tank, said that “it’s time to purge the entire atheistic canon from our schools.” He added that “observations, hypotheses and deductions to propose adequate explanations for natural phenomena are just more mumbo-jumbo from godless heathens who seek to poison our youth.”

Wells argued that the introduction of Newtonian physics in the educational curriculum was a sign of secular dominance of the nation’s schools. He called on the Department of Education to introduce competing theories.

“‘Rational Attraction’ is a theory that explains why objects fall to the Earth,” he said. “The phenomenon is caused by the seductive pull of Satan, who as we all know lives in the middle of the planet. Humans are stuck to the planet until the Rapture, when the elect go to Heaven while sinners go to Hell.”

Wells discussed another potential curricular addition.

“The theory of contagion was promulgated by pagan medicine persons to explain disease,” he said. “However, it is clear from the Bible that all plagues are either Heaven-sent from an angry God, or delivered up by the Prince of Darkness to afflict mankind.”

I left a vial and a syringe around here.

Anybody see it?
Hi there, who is this? :-)
We are truth-seekers and nonsense-exposers.

When this doesn't work, we make the shit up.
OK, so I am here on the planet Xoxoshruglifarb.

The fucking Jupiter 2 left without me. Can you believe it? My own goddamn family left me on this shithole of a planet with a year's supply of dehydrated alfalfa sprouts and a couple of boxes of Tampons.

Come back, you fuckers!!
Funny stuff.
I once owned a sheepdog that had no home.

I put him in my car, took him home, and bought him some Alpo.

He didn't eat; in fact, all he did was lay there.

It wasn't until the smell hit me that I realized something important.

Shep (that’s what I named him) was a stuffed animal. Go figure.

OK, I made up that last part. Shep was really road kill, but I figured I had better change the story in case any children were reading this blog.
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