Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

No Really—It Smells Like a Diaper Full of Indian Food

(Austin, TX) Pandar Omesh always knew his bowels were “ranker than most,” so when this semester’s final exams were followed quickly by hollow boredom, the University of Texas sophomore embraced a life-long dream: Omesh created a blog exclusively dedicated to his ferocious poo.

“Being a first generation Indian-American, my diet largely consists of curry junk my mom makes and carry-out from local pizza joints,” Omesh explained while cutting a prolonged fart. “I crap about three times a day, and the smell is so bad I have to have one of those aromatherapy candles I bought from a mall kiosk steady lit. After hearing my roommate bitch about the stench all semester, the only logical conclusion was to post my brown bombers online.”

And while many would be repulsed at the notion of sharing their personal waste, Omesh has gained a cult following among undergraduates nationwide.

“Straight up, bro, Dino Mirelli showed me a pic of that Indian kid’s shit last week, and it was nuclear waste green with little specks of orange in it,” explained Tim Platt, a junior at Oklahoma State. “I’ve shared that dude’s link with like, a billion people—I had no idea the human ass was capable of technicolor. It might sound lame, but when you really think about stuff like this, it makes you really appreciate the wonder of nature. That, and the fact you can’t actually smell Habeeb’s rank poopage.”

Labels: bathrooms, blogs, University of Texas

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
by Chaz Murphy
University of Texas, Austin, Class of 2009

You know, we all have that special something that could be called our God-given talent. Some people are real brainy and good at taking tests, others are exceptional athletes, while there are some folks who are gifted when it comes to helping the needy.

But me, I piss with laser-like accuracy.

I first discovered this ability when I was in junior high. Somewhere around the seventh grade, whenever I had to take a whiz, I would stand a few inches farther back from the urinal than I had the day before. Maybe I did it out of boredom, or to make a game for myself—I can’t exactly remember. Pretty soon, though, I could hit that thing from six feet away.

By high school, dudes would make bets as I drank cup after cup of water at lunch, only to look on in amazement as I sat on the floor near the sinks and nailed the urinal cake dead-on.

I know what you’re thinking—I must have some monster dong, and a urethra so thin and narrow that you couldn’t even get a pencil tip in there. Let me assure you that my equipment is perfectly normal, if perhaps slightly larger than average, and this skill of mine is simply the result from years and years of patience, hard work, and the determination to pee on stuff from super far away.

So if you ever happen to be in the Austin area for some blues and brews, give a holler to ol’ Chaz. I’m performing nightly in the Winston House, about a block away from the dorms. And if you have anything you totally want a bro to piss on, bring that along too.

Labels: pissing, University of Texas

(Austin, TX) Craig Larsen doesn’t get out much, and the junior information systems major says he has “absolutely no athletic ability.”

“So how can I end up with a case of jock itch?” he asked Codependent Collegian reporters. “I mean, if I actually sweated or something I could see it, but I don’t even play Madden Football.”

Larsen believes that someone has purposely infected him with the fungus, which was confirmed during a visit to the UT Student Health Center.

“I don’t know how they pulled it off, but it had to be someone in my dorm,” he said, scratching his groin. “I think it might be [physics classmate Kyle] Massenheim, who’s pissed that my retrofitted, LINUX-powered motherboard outperformed his in a RAM test.”

Ex-girlfriend Tracy Phillips has been ruled out as a possible source of the infection, said Larsen.

“For one, we never actually made out, despite what I told everyone,” he admitted, gesturing toward a wall-sized poster of the young woman. “Besides, Tracy is a saint, and pure as the driven snow. The day that a goddess like Tracy carries a fungal infection is the day I turn celibate. Officially.”

Labels: jock itch, University of Texas

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Austin, TX)—University of Texas sophomore Natalie Morris recently celebrated her unique, rebellious spirit by adorning her body with a butterfly tattoo while vacationing in Florida for Spring Break.

Sources close to Morris say she has been a “wild child” her whole life, and has never been one to conform with societal expectations.

“Yeah, Nat’s like, one of those people who just float through life and play by their own rules,” said roommate Jen Orton. “I think this tattoo is her ultimate statement…I mean, nobody in our dorm even has one yet—she’s gonna really turn some heads on campus.”

Morris appeared enthused by her new addition, and was especially optimistic about the seasonal possibilities it offered.

“I’ve been really hitting the gym hard these past few weeks, so once the swelling goes down, I can start wearing some old tank-tops,” Morris beamed. “I have one from 10th grade that barely fits, so it will show off my cute tummy. I swear, college is totally about empowerment.” Paris Hilton

Labels: indivduality, tattoos, University of Texas

(Austin, TX) University of Texas sophomore Gavin Presley, speaking with Codependent Collegian reporters, described the horror of discovering an excessive amount of ear wax that prevented him from attending Friday's Microeconomics lecture.

"Everything was fine when I woke up. Then I jumped out of the shower, and I was like totally deaf," he said, tugging at his left earlobe. "When I stuck a Q-Tip in there, I couldn't believe all the crud that came out."

After spending nearly ten minutes poking and flushing out his ears, Presley came to a decision.

"There was just no way I was going to be able to give the professor my undivided attention, what with some of that gunk still in my ear canal," he said, shaking his head. "The best thing I could do was to stay in my dorm. Plus - if I was digging in my ear during lecture, I'm sure I would have been a distraction to the other students, so this was really more about a selfless act on my part."

Sample of the sticky discharge Presley removed from his ear, keeping him yet again from class

The semester to date has proven to be a difficult one for Presley, as other hygiene-relaed issues have interfered with his attendance at the 8:00 am class.

"Two weeks ago I had this, like, explosion of hangnails that sidelined me, and I spent about two hours getting them under control," he recalled. "Then last week I noticed these freaky-looking nose hairs sticking down, making me look like I was starting a Fu Manchu. I swear, it's like my body is deliberately trying to cause me to flunk this class."

Labels: ear wax, Microeconomics, University of Texas

Left: The little stapler that could

(Austin, TX) Philosophy professor Lars Hendrikkson came into possession of a curious red stapler two years ago, gathering dust in a corner of his 10'x 12' office.

"Whoever had this space before me left it here," he told Codependent Collegian reporters. "I'm guessing that person didn't realize the miracle-in-the-making that was occurring with this particular stapler."

The "miracle" that Hendrikkson described is the fact that he has never put staples in the device, despite its regular use in his work.

"And I do a fair bit of stapling: exams, papers, proposals," he said. "I'm not exactly as busy as, say, an office worker with it, but I should have had to resupply it some time, right? I mean, the thing only holds one row of staples. Of course, since I've never had to actually open it, who knows what's really inside it. Tell you the truth - this stapler kind of scares me."

Left: Lucky prof may never have to requisition staples again

Hendrikkson said that there are "historical and religious" parallels to his discovery, noting a number of Biblical similarities to his own finding.

"The obvious comparison is to the whole loaves and fishes deal that Christ had," he said, holding up the stapler in the flickering fluorescent lights of his office. "But I'm not sure if I want to make that leap of faith yet. Plus, I might get stuck with a line of like 5,000 people wanting their papers stapled. Don't know if I can handle that kind of commitment, you know?"

Labels: staplers, University of Texas

Pendergrast reviewing the TRW reports of her beaus

(Austin, TX) University of Texas junior Caitlyn Pendergrast, torn between the affections of two "really sweet guys," came upon a novel solution for her dilemma.

The accounting major decided to use the credit scores of the young men as the final arbiter in her decision.

"Ultimately I want a guy with some stability, someone who knows the value of having a good credit record," Pendergrast said, showing Codependent Collegian reporters a series of spreadsheets she developed. "Depending on your credit score, lenders will determine what risk you pose to them. I can't see myself spending the next five or six decades being weighed down by someone with lousy credit."

Between suitors Paul Killarney and Kevin McDougall, Pendergrast found that Killarney's credit rating of 745 "totally gave him the edge" over the mere 560 posted by McDougall.

"It looks like Kevin was late on his car payment three times in 2005, and he bounced a check in 2003," she said, shaking her head. "These are the kinds of red flags that should scare the hell out of any woman giving serious thought to dating Kevin."

McDougall: "Crestfallen, but understanding" of Pendergrast's decision

Contacted by the Codependent Collegian, McDougall said that he is "totally cool with" Pendergrast's mate selection methodology.

"I knew that I was dancing with the Devil on those late payments, but with a younger sister needing a kidney transplant, what could I do?" he said of the three months he was out of work for the donation surgery. "I just want Caitlyn to know that I'll always be there for her, and my credit score is really just a snapshot of my credit risk at a particular point in time. Someday, somehow, I'll prove to her what kind of man I really am. Until then, my shadow's the only one that walks beside me on the boulevard of broken credit."

Labels: credit scores, TRW, University of Texas