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October 11, 2007

Geek Flummoxed by Diagnosis of "Jock" Itch

(Austin, TX) Craig Larsen doesn’t get out much, and the junior information systems major says he has “absolutely no athletic ability.”

“So how can I end up with a case of jock itch?” he asked Codependent Collegian reporters. “I mean, if I actually sweated or something I could see it, but I don’t even play Madden Football.”

Larsen believes that someone has purposely infected him with the fungus, which was confirmed during a visit to the UT Student Health Center.

“I don’t know how they pulled it off, but it had to be someone in my dorm,” he said, scratching his groin. “I think it might be [physics classmate Kyle] Massenheim, who’s pissed that my retrofitted, LINUX-powered motherboard outperformed his in a RAM test.”

Ex-girlfriend Tracy Phillips has been ruled out as a possible source of the infection, said Larsen.

“For one, we never actually made out, despite what I told everyone,” he admitted, gesturing toward a wall-sized poster of the young woman. “Besides, Tracy is a saint, and pure as the driven snow. The day that a goddess like Tracy carries a fungal infection is the day I turn celibate. Officially.”

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