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November 16, 2007

I Piss with Laser-Like Accuracy

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
by Chaz Murphy
University of Texas, Austin, Class of 2009

You know, we all have that special something that could be called our God-given talent. Some people are real brainy and good at taking tests, others are exceptional athletes, while there are some folks who are gifted when it comes to helping the needy.

But me, I piss with laser-like accuracy.

I first discovered this ability when I was in junior high. Somewhere around the seventh grade, whenever I had to take a whiz, I would stand a few inches farther back from the urinal than I had the day before. Maybe I did it out of boredom, or to make a game for myself—I can’t exactly remember. Pretty soon, though, I could hit that thing from six feet away.

By high school, dudes would make bets as I drank cup after cup of water at lunch, only to look on in amazement as I sat on the floor near the sinks and nailed the urinal cake dead-on.

I know what you’re thinking—I must have some monster dong, and a urethra so thin and narrow that you couldn’t even get a pencil tip in there. Let me assure you that my equipment is perfectly normal, if perhaps slightly larger than average, and this skill of mine is simply the result from years and years of patience, hard work, and the determination to pee on stuff from super far away.

So if you ever happen to be in the Austin area for some blues and brews, give a holler to ol’ Chaz. I’m performing nightly in the Winston House, about a block away from the dorms. And if you have anything you totally want a bro to piss on, bring that along too.

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Nie photo:D He looks great!
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