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July 23, 2007

Witless Freshman Still Not Registered for Fall Term

by Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Marion: Belligerent, Having Only Received Three Registration Reminder Postcards

(San Diego, CA)—Kyle Marion, an incoming freshman at San Diego Community College, has “been trying like the dickens” to register for his first semester of college this coming fall.

However, Marion’s inability to finalize course selections is largely due to his own blatant disregard of college deadlines and procedures, as he is now swiftly becoming a pest to both faculty and staff alike.

“I don’t know how the kid did it, but the moron missed a month-long open registration back in May,” remarked Randi Caruso, an administrative assistant in student services. “But now that summer’s here, and faculty are gone and tons of people are like, taking vacation and having babies, he wants the world to stop for his brain-dead 17 year old ass.”

Professor Tom MacNamara, a philosophy instructor and Marion’s academic advisor, reiterated these enraged sentiments.

“You know, I teach five classes a semester and bust my hump nine months out of the year,” MacNamara huffed while chomping a turkey pita melt. “And now that I’m visiting my aging mother in Pasadena, this little fuckbag leaves seven voice mails on my office phone, as if it’s my job to drop everything and find him a bunch of 101 courses that fit with his demanding pot-and-video-game lifestyle. Well, he can suck my left nut. Besides, who’s he gonna complain to? My department chair? My dean? They’re both sport fishing in the Bahamas through Labor Day.”

History professor Kevin Hoag reiterated that "the dipshit Marion" better have his essay on the fall of the Weimar Republic finished, irrespective of his enrollment status.

"Registrtaion or no registration - I swear to God I'll fail the little shit," he added.

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