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July 13, 2007

I Would Totally Pay Big Money to See Midget Basketball

Guest editorial by Eric Yeagher,
University of Florida sophomore


My friend is on this college committee that decides how the university is going to allocate some of its student fees for entertainment, and I am so going to pitch him the idea of bringing midget basketball on campus.

Midgets playing basketball has got to be the funniest thing ever, and I would totally pay crazy money to see midgets shooting hoops.

Think about it, brother - all those little stub-legged dudes waddling up and down the court like deformed penguins and shit - can you think of anything more hilarious? Well, maybe if they played a team of those wheelchair hoopsters, and gave the midgets sticks to jack the crips in the spokes or something, but I'd bet the handicap lobby would shut us down if we had paraplegics flying all over the basketball court and landing face-first after getting stuck.

So we'd better play it straight, and keep it just midgets vs. midgets.

And it should be set up like the Globetrotters, with one midget team that always wins and one that always loses, like those Washington Generals that lost every game. One time when I was six, though, I saw the Globetrotters in Jacksonville, and I swear to God that the Generals almost beat the Globetrotters, and Meadowlark Lemon had to make this crazy 38-foot 3-pointer to win the game at the buzzer. Sweet!

But back to the midgets.

I think we should let the midgets just play their game, man, and not call a bunch of cheap fouls for elbowing another midget in his scrunched up malformed face and shit. I mean, it's not like they are going to score with anything but another mutant-looking midget chick anyhow, right? Although this dude I know says that midgets are, like, sexual freaks or something, and that they are packing these giganto-morphous schlongs under their shorts. He said he watched this porno with nude midgets and the dude's manmeat was as big as his midget arm, and his cock actually looked like an angry red third fist when he was banging this porn slut.

Who knows? But midget basketball would totally kick ass, and we need to bring it to the Gator Nation ASAP.

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