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July 8, 2007

Recent Grad's Theater Degree Good for Bussing Tables

by Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Euston: Great Face and Jugs, Still Can’t Land a Gig

(Berkeley, CA)—University of California graduate Tamara Euston thought a life of artistic exploration awaited her when she graduated magna cum laude this past May with a hard-earned degree in the dramatic arts.

But sadly, Euston’s career as a professional actress has stalled, and her degree “might as well be a dishrag” while toiling week after brutal week as a waitress at Nate’s, a local coffee shop.

“You know, I paid fifty grand for this fucking piece of paper, and can’t even land a bit part in the Summer Shakespeare Festival,” huffed Euston while scraping leftover bits of omelet from a customer’s dirty platter. “Professor Watkins said I was ‘the most evocative and haunting Juliet he’d ever seen.’ What horseshit. At this rate, I’ll have to like, join one of those lame groups that do skits for inmates or something just to keep my chops up to snuff.”

Euston said that her coworkers at Nate's were, by and large, a "bunch of illiterate feebs."

"I was getting the cold shoulder from the staff for about a week, and I just didn't understand why everyone in the restaurant was being so standoffish," she said, twirling a lock of her hair. "Then I found out that the mananger told my coworkers I was a 'thespian,' and they all came to the conclusion I was a muff-diving, manhating carpet-muncher, the frigging nimrods."

Euston’s father, a successful lawyer in the Los Angeles area, shared his daughter’s dismay at her lack of artistic success.

“You know, I told her way back in high school that this acting thing was a great hobby, but no way to pay the bills,” grumbled Roger Euston while shuffling some legal briefs. “But of course she doesn’t listen to her old man—I guess she thought some talent and a cute face was enough to make it in Hollywood. Well she can think again. Unless she feels like blowing half a dozen producers while coked up in the shitter at the Pig N’ Whistle, then she’s got a whole lot of years left serving pancakes and lattes.”

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