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December 27, 2007

I Will Exact Revenge for the Assassination of Benazir Bhutto

Guest Editorial by
Tad Cochrane, Georgetown University

Listen up, y'all. What happened to former Pakistani head honcho Benazir Bhutto was some cold, cold shit, and I am just the person to send to Karachi and kick some terrorist ass. Put me and my posse on a plane today, and we will bag the killers by Tuesday, tops.

Sure, I'm just a college senior and all, but after sharpening my mad skills on World of Warcraft and Age of Empires, I am like some kind of freakish diplomat, sort of a cross between Condi Rice and the Terminator.

What's that, Raheem? You don't know nothing about nothing? KA-BLAM! And you, Abdul? KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-freaking-BLAM! Y'all gonna talk now? KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! A-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM!

You see, I speak the only universal language of diplomacy.

And I think what really pisses me off about this is that Benazir Bhutto had some major MILF hotness about her, even for being 50-something. I would totally hit that, except for the fact that she's dead and all. And you know? If I was all Jägermeister-ed out, I would probably even do her hot corpse, that's how much of a Pakistani hottie Benazir was.

So, call me, Pervez Musharraf. I'm your man, and I work hella cheap.

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