.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
December 12, 2007

A 6-Pack of Red Bull and a Handful of No-Doz Will Get This Paper Written

Guest editorial by Ethan Geering,
Penn State Class of 2011

Yes, I know this paper is due at 9:00 am tomorrow SHARP, and I know that I really haven't done much in the way of RESEARCH yet, and I know that I was supposed to submit a ROUGH DRAFT and an ANNOTATED BIBLIOGRAPHY last month, but I'm feeling REALLLLLLLLLLY GOOD about my chances of cranking out this 15-page paper between now and tomorrow morning.

That's 'cuz I've scored the best two helpers a college student can have when it comes to crunch time: Red Bull and No-Doz.

I just washed down a couple more No-Doz 15 minutes ago, and I am totally ready to CRANK OUT DIS BITCH, Y'ALL!!!!!!! To mellow myself out and fine-tune my mind, I just ran around the Quad three times, too, so my heart is pumping and my adrenaline is flowing and I am ALIVE, MAN, ALIVE, and I am FOCUSED and DRIVEN and I have NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED about anything else in my life.

Sorry, I had to fucking puke a minute ago, what with the stomach jitters from that massive influx of caffeine and the fact that I am still hung over from last night and I might still be tripping from those THREE HITS OF ACID I dropped and I haven't eaten since we went to Taco Bell yesterday and I also swiped/inhaled a couple of my roommate's Ritalin tablets and I keep forgetting to drink some water, FUCKING WATER, of all things to forget, right? It's not as though 80 PERCENT OF THE PLANET's SURFACE isn't covered with the shit, right, and humans are like 95 freaking percent water and all, so there's ABSO-frigging-LUTELY no reason I should forget about something as ELEMENTAL as water, except that water is really a COMPOUND and not an ELEMENT and I only know that because I stayed awake during CHEMISTRY in high school.

But it's ALL GOOD NOW, y'all, and the WORDS and IDEAS and THEMES and TOPICS and THESIS STATEMENTS are flying at me right now, I mean just FLYING AROUND MY HEAD, man, like a HIVE OF SWARMING BEEES and shit. Now all I have to do is CHILL for a minute and let some of those NUGGETS OF BRILLIANCE ferment.

I swear to Christ I don't know why all those PLODDING, MINDLESS DRONES spend weeks sweating over a research paper when they could be out there LIVING EVERY DAY LIKE IT'S THEIR LAST, instead of wasting all that time in LIBRARIES and READING BOOKS and looking up JOURNAL ARTICLES and UNDERSTANDING THE GODDAMN DISCIPLINARY LITERATURE and all that other shit they try to force down your throat, turning you into an UNCARING CORPORATE ZOMBIE as they STEAL YOUR VERY SOUL, dude, sucking the life out of you as surely as Dracula SUCKS THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENTS.

You know what, dude? FUCK YOU TOO! I do my best work at TWO FUCKING AM, that's why I'm working late here, and you are totally BOGARTING MY MUSE with your endless whining about "needing sleep" and "turn off the light" and how you have an "exam at eight o'clock" and why don't you just SHUT YOUR PIE-HOLE, you frigging baby!

I'M AN ARTIST AT WORK HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labels: , ,


# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 2:01 PM
Comments: Post a Comment



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?