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December 12, 2007

A 6-Pack of Red Bull and a Handful of No-Doz Will Get This Paper Written

Guest editorial by Ethan Geering,
Penn State Class of 2011

Yes, I know this paper is due at 9:00 am tomorrow SHARP, and I know that I really haven't done much in the way of RESEARCH yet, and I know that I was supposed to submit a ROUGH DRAFT and an ANNOTATED BIBLIOGRAPHY last month, but I'm feeling REALLLLLLLLLLY GOOD about my chances of cranking out this 15-page paper between now and tomorrow morning.

That's 'cuz I've scored the best two helpers a college student can have when it comes to crunch time: Red Bull and No-Doz.

I just washed down a couple more No-Doz 15 minutes ago, and I am totally ready to CRANK OUT DIS BITCH, Y'ALL!!!!!!! To mellow myself out and fine-tune my mind, I just ran around the Quad three times, too, so my heart is pumping and my adrenaline is flowing and I am ALIVE, MAN, ALIVE, and I am FOCUSED and DRIVEN and I have NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED about anything else in my life.

Sorry, I had to fucking puke a minute ago, what with the stomach jitters from that massive influx of caffeine and the fact that I am still hung over from last night and I might still be tripping from those THREE HITS OF ACID I dropped and I haven't eaten since we went to Taco Bell yesterday and I also swiped/inhaled a couple of my roommate's Ritalin tablets and I keep forgetting to drink some water, FUCKING WATER, of all things to forget, right? It's not as though 80 PERCENT OF THE PLANET's SURFACE isn't covered with the shit, right, and humans are like 95 freaking percent water and all, so there's ABSO-frigging-LUTELY no reason I should forget about something as ELEMENTAL as water, except that water is really a COMPOUND and not an ELEMENT and I only know that because I stayed awake during CHEMISTRY in high school.

But it's ALL GOOD NOW, y'all, and the WORDS and IDEAS and THEMES and TOPICS and THESIS STATEMENTS are flying at me right now, I mean just FLYING AROUND MY HEAD, man, like a HIVE OF SWARMING BEEES and shit. Now all I have to do is CHILL for a minute and let some of those NUGGETS OF BRILLIANCE ferment.

I swear to Christ I don't know why all those PLODDING, MINDLESS DRONES spend weeks sweating over a research paper when they could be out there LIVING EVERY DAY LIKE IT'S THEIR LAST, instead of wasting all that time in LIBRARIES and READING BOOKS and looking up JOURNAL ARTICLES and UNDERSTANDING THE GODDAMN DISCIPLINARY LITERATURE and all that other shit they try to force down your throat, turning you into an UNCARING CORPORATE ZOMBIE as they STEAL YOUR VERY SOUL, dude, sucking the life out of you as surely as Dracula SUCKS THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENTS.

You know what, dude? FUCK YOU TOO! I do my best work at TWO FUCKING AM, that's why I'm working late here, and you are totally BOGARTING MY MUSE with your endless whining about "needing sleep" and "turn off the light" and how you have an "exam at eight o'clock" and why don't you just SHUT YOUR PIE-HOLE, you frigging baby!


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