Codependent Collegian

Trombley: Tail-less once again

(Columbus, OH) Ohio State sophomore Chad Trombley thought that the climate change event known as Earth Hour might assist him in breaking his three-month period of unintentional celibacy.

"I was trying to play the 'sensitive green guy' angle," he told Codependent Collegian reporters. "Unfortunately, it appears that all the skanks at Kappa Delta just don't give a shit about the environment."

Trombley explained his failed seductive approach with the sorority sisters.

"Pretty basically, I reminded them that Earth Hour meant that all lights were off, and wouldn't it be great to make our own heat?" he said, pausing to pop a zit in the mirror. "But it was all: 'Ummmm, no thanks' and 'I have a boyfriend' and 'Ewww! Get away from me, you freak!' I guess the Kappa Delta sluts just want the polar bears to die off and shit."

Trombley has not given up on environmentalism as a tool in ass-tappery.

"There's always Earth Day," he noted. "I'm sure I can work the phrase 'plant a tree' into my macking. Besides, maybe I should start hitting up some of those Birkenstock-wearing 'Free the Planet' hotties over at the Quad. Since they like wood so much, I'll bet they can't keep their hands off the Chadster's pole."

Labels: Earth Hour, Ohio State

Guest Prophecy by
Kyle Renser, Ohio State Class of 2010

Yea, sayeth the Lord, for upon the Earth comes a cloud, a cloud that brings deception and delusion, a cloud that will cover the earth as end times approach you. Verily, I say, the Lord thy God foretells a time of woe and despair to begin next Monday, known by sinners as Spring Semester.

Destruction will soon be upon you, sickness will be upon you, and gnashing of teeth will be upon you. The Lord thy God sayeth that His wrath, as manifest in the hurricanes and earthquakes, caused you to tremble in fear, but you have seen nothing, for as in the days of old in Egypt I am about to raise My hand from the land, and the things that came then will pale in comparison with the misery ye shall receive as the term begins.

Think of the Holy Ass-Kicking USC delivered unto the Illini, and ye shall get a glimpse of that which awaits.

I say unto you touch not the unclean things, especially not thine crotch, touch not and enter not into the wicked world, but keep yourself clean from these things. For it is through cleanliness from the world and abstention from evil that you shall sustain you in this coming term, sayeth the Lord. Those who touch not the $4.00 pitchers at yon Big Kahuna's Beach Club and those who hide themselves from the Wet T-Shirt contests at yon Deja Vu will be those I hold close to My Holy Bosom, and who shall not flunketh out of school in this term of misery and woe.

Labels: Ohio State, prophecy

Left: Calderone in his OSU office

(Columbus, OH) Ohio State economics professor Scott Calderone, speaking with Codependent Collegian reporters yesterday, said that his economics students have "set a new low for imbecility," and that he fears for the future of the nation.

"Let's face it - any country that hopes to build for the future with the likes of the blithering twits that occupy seats in my classes is all but doomed," he noted. "On the whole, these morons are stupider than a ward full of lead paint-chewing head trauma cases, and more clueless than cross-eyed fans at a Wimbledon match."

Calderone said that the current semester's exams are full of "raving idiocy and widespread illiteracy."

"Eleven people on the last quiz tried to define the term Natural Increase as 'having sex without Viagra or Cialis,'" he mused, shuffling through a stack of papers. "And no less than thirty dweebs tried to describe Full Employment with answers on the order of: 'Like, having a job with a car and benefits and stuff.' I swear to God, one more term teaching these simpletons and I'll be ready for a bullet to the brain."

Labels: economics, Ohio State, students

(Columbus, OH) Ohio State sophomore Kyle Reeger, speaking with Codependent Collegian reporters, expressed optimism that he has timed his return trip home to occur after his mother's annual "panic purging" of the Reeger home.

"My mom goes totally berserk trying to clean the house before the first guests arrive," he noted. "It starts Monday night of Thanksgiving week, and doesn't end until about 1:00 on Thanksgiving Day. I swear to God she gets crazier than a coked-up dog in a hubcap factory, and she doesn't mellow out until that third glass of Bailey's Irish Cream after dinner."

Reeger said that he has lined up "three foolproof excuses" for his late arrival to his parents' suburban Cleveland home.

"I have two friends calling my house Thanksgiving morning wondering if I made it home with my 'bad radiator,'" he chuckled. "And I plan to make sure I drizzle a little bit of antifreeze on the driveway, just in case she goes out to check up on the story."

The second-year engineering student said that his mother's "insane-o behavior" has grown increasingly worse over the past few Thanksgivings.

"She's always had this strange possessive streak. It started out with her 'special Thaksgiving apron," Reeger recalled. "When she found it, she would take it and growl if someone came near. She would refuse to drop it and the only way to get the apron away from her was to wait until she fell asleep. She's even bitten people when they try to come near her in the kitchen, just to ask if she needed help. Fact is, she scares me on Thanksgiving, dude."

Labels: Ohio State, Thanksgiving dinner

Left: Less than meets the eye awaits suitors

(Columbus, OH) Ohio State engineering student Kevin Paterson expressed to Codependent Collegian reporters his displeasure with a recent date in which the "false pretenses" of a push-up bra led him to "waste mondo time" with fellow sophomore Amber Pettigrew.

"Amber wore this lowcut T-shirt to our Calculus class with the words 'Love Candy' written across the front, and that push-up bra made her look like she was stashing a couple of tasty cantaloupes up in there," he recalled. "But five seconds after I got her top off I realized that Amber was flatter than a week-old beer. That's some scary biz, bro, and for a second I thought she might be one of those 11-year-old college whiz kids setting me up on a stauatory rape charge."

Even the late-night acquisition of a "first class hummer" could not assuage the disappointed Paterson.

"I'd been drooling and whacking all day over what I thought were some gi-normous hooters, only to find out that copping a feel with Amber was like wrestling my little brother," he grumbled. "There ought to be a law against this kind of deception, that's all I got to say. I felt like I had been ripped off. Overall it was a disappointing night after my eager anticipation. I may give her another go some time, but there are far hotter chicks to hit up who don't order all the expensive shit on the Applebee's menu, that's for sure."

Labels: Applebee's, Ohio State, push-up bra

(Columbus, OH) The roommates of Ohio State sophomore Evan Ingersoll are used to the noxious fumes produced by the engineering major, but the rectal trumpet he blew Thursday night was on a "previously unimaginable scale of wickedness," according to witnesses.

"Sometimes he rips 'em so nasty they make your eyes water," noted roommate Josh Hartman. "Still, this one was epic, but in a really, really, bad way, like waking up after a hard night of drinking and finding out you just slept with your sister."

Ingersoll admitted that he was "kind of embarassed" by his rankness.

"Dude: As soon as the evil funk wafted up to my nostrils, I knew we were in some serious trouble," he recalled, visibly nauseous at the memory. "My head started this weird twitching, and it was all I could do not to blow chunks in the emergency exit."

Ingersoll, who attributed the anal tsunami to "a combination of Taco Bell and cheap beer," said that campus security warned him that future stink torpedos could bring administrtive sanctions.

"Hey man: it's not like I can control it or anything," he complained. "Sometimes you've just got to let it rip, to feel it gurgling in your loins, to feel it rushing out your sphincter, the sheer joy of being alive, you know?"

Labels: farts, Ohio State

Left: Witten is smitten

(Columbus, OH) Junior education major Kevin Witten, admitting he has been "something less than diligent" in his Ohio State courses, announced to roommates that he is switching majors.

Adding to the collective confusion was the basis for Witten's decision, which hinged solely on the attractiveness of a female student in front of him in the lengthy OSU Bursar's office line.

"Something special happened there, something that no one can ever take away," he mused, still basking in the "love rays" of the chance meeting. "We connected in a way most people never experience in their entire lifetimes, me looking down her shirt and her reading some stupid book."

Witten recalled an "incredible moment" when he realized the pair were destined for each other.

"The physical and spiritual attractions had already been made. Well, at least on my end," he acknowledged. "The mental attraction happened when she turned around and asked if she could borrow a 'writing utensil.' A writing utensil! 'Damn,' I thought to myself, 'this chick's got a body AND brains.' I could see our future together: late-night karaoke to Nickelback, rainy day games of Texas Hold'Em and long afternoons of Frisbee golf on the Quad."

When pushed for details, Witten admitted the relationship still "needs work," but he added that he is willing to make the necessary sacrifices.

"She had her hand over the top of the paper, so I could only read three letters of her last name: I-N-E," he noted. "But I know that she's taking ECON 110 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I should be able to track her down. And she's still got my pen, so I have an in right there. The important thing is we are meant for each other, and I can't remember a day in my life where I was so absolutely sure of my decision."

Labels: bursar, Nickelback, Ohio State

Guest editorial by Kyle Rasmussen,
Ohio State Class of 2009

Ever since you walked into Comp I last fall, Khadeeja, I knew that you were something special. And your soft white veil, which hid most of your face except your eyes, drove me crazy when I should have been taking notes on annotated bibliographies and shit.

All I can think of is lifting that hijab and seeing the beauty I know is underneath. So what do you say, Khadeeja - how's about dropping that veil for me?

From what I can see, you have a great body, too. I hope it's OK for me to compliment you on how sexy you are. You're not going to send a bunch of jihaddist-looking cousins after me for saying that, are you?

Phew! That's good. Anyways, maybe we could get together and go out to eat some night. I know this great babrbecue place on Broad Street that's open late. We could eat, maybe have a couple of beers, and hit one of the dance clubs, and I could get a look under that whole khimār deal.

Wait! Don't go. I also wanted to say that I'm, like, totally sorry for all that Iraq shit, and I think the Palestinians got a really bad deal there way back when, and you people have every right to be mad at the United States and all.

Well, all right. I understand. Sometimes I say some goofy things. Listen - you got any hot cousins you could set me up with? 'Cuz I'm really down with the brown, if you know what I mean.

Labels: Hijab, khimār, Ohio State

Left: Initial stash of stray condiments

(Columbus, OH) Members of the OSU chapter of Sigma Phi Epsilon have started a "unique humanitarian effort" designed to aid area homeless shelters.

Entitled "Condiments for the Homeless," the volunteer campaign seeks to match those in need with those who have plenty, said fraternity president Allen Jacobs.

"Pretty basically, we saw that our main refrigerator was 'busting at the seams,' shall we say, with leftover ketchup, soy sauce, and Taco Bell sauce packets," he said, filling a grocery bag with the condiments. "We got to thinking that there were probably many frats and sororities with the same problem, and a lot of homeless people who have no relish packs for whatever food those people get fed."

Jacobs said that the SigEps took the idea to the Greek Council, and the rest "was like history."

"Our Greek brothers and sisters have really stepped up and answered the call," he said. "We have almost a trunk full of these valuable food accoutrements to take to the homeless shelter downtown, and you have to know there's a lot of good nutrition in this stuff. Plus, we only take packets that have been refrigerated, not like left in the glove box or anything."

Left: SigEps pose for group photo

Jacobs said that the brothers of SigEp "pride themselves" on eliminating the “Animal House” reputation that is often associated with fraternities.

"Sigma Phi Epsilon is designed to promote leaders as well as gentlemen," he proudly added. "We feel that we have, in some small way, helped bring a little light into the lives of the less fortunate, as well as making progress on cleaning out our skanky fridge."

Labels: condiments, homeless, Ohio State

(Columbus, OH) Ohio State sophomore Ashlee Herrington, speaking with Codependent Collegian reporters in her dorm bathroom, expressed relief at making it back to the comfort of her own bathroom.

"I did have too much to drink," she acknowledged, suppressing a dry heave as she tried to recall her evening. "But I think it was all that sushi, Junior Mints, and salsa I ate before the fraternity kegger that really did me in. I'm a regular Anna Nicole Smith, except I'm not blonde and I'm not dead."

Herrington, an early childhood education major, admitted that she is something of a "lightweight" when it comes to drinking, and this makes her a bit of an anomaly among her peers.

"Ten, twelve beers and I'm just about toast," she said, pausing to gurgle out a mouthful of bilious vomit. "I hang with a bunch of big-time drunks, and I end up like this at least twice a month. You'd think I would learn, but I never seem to know when to quit, and the Kappa Alphas are known to spike drinks with syrup of Ipecac."

There's no place like the toilet at home, sweet home

Making it back to her own toilet is an important weekend goal for Herrington, she said, wiping dried barf remnants from her cheek.

"I feel really bad when I blow chunks in someone else's bathroom," she admitted, letting loose with another Technicolor yawn as reporters dodged the sloshing spewage. "Plus, it's pretty gross to stick your head where, like, twelve guys just pissed. My toilet is always clean, well-lit, and never judgmental, you know?"

Labels: kegger, Ohio State, puking, toilets