Codependent Collegian

Left: Witten is smitten

(Columbus, OH) Junior education major Kevin Witten, admitting he has been "something less than diligent" in his Ohio State courses, announced to roommates that he is switching majors.

Adding to the collective confusion was the basis for Witten's decision, which hinged solely on the attractiveness of a female student in front of him in the lengthy OSU Bursar's office line.

"Something special happened there, something that no one can ever take away," he mused, still basking in the "love rays" of the chance meeting. "We connected in a way most people never experience in their entire lifetimes, me looking down her shirt and her reading some stupid book."

Witten recalled an "incredible moment" when he realized the pair were destined for each other.

"The physical and spiritual attractions had already been made. Well, at least on my end," he acknowledged. "The mental attraction happened when she turned around and asked if she could borrow a 'writing utensil.' A writing utensil! 'Damn,' I thought to myself, 'this chick's got a body AND brains.' I could see our future together: late-night karaoke to Nickelback, rainy day games of Texas Hold'Em and long afternoons of Frisbee golf on the Quad."

When pushed for details, Witten admitted the relationship still "needs work," but he added that he is willing to make the necessary sacrifices.

"She had her hand over the top of the paper, so I could only read three letters of her last name: I-N-E," he noted. "But I know that she's taking ECON 110 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I should be able to track her down. And she's still got my pen, so I have an in right there. The important thing is we are meant for each other, and I can't remember a day in my life where I was so absolutely sure of my decision."

Labels: bursar, Nickelback, Ohio State

Left: Scene of musical mimicry

(Ann Arbor, MI) Sophomore engineering student Tre Minnick remembers clearly the moment his roommate, Kyle Breckenridge, made musical history.

"I was watching TV when Kyle let out this gut-wrenching howl, and I knew right then he was onto something," the University of Michigan recalled. "When he hollered the second time I recognized that constipated growl: it was none other than Chad Kroeger, the lead singer from Nickelback."

Minnick said that Breckenridge has been trying to duplicate the feat ever since his first foray into impersonation, but that recent attempts "fall a little short of the mark."

"Kyle ate nothing but cheese for three straight days to recreate his earlier bowel cloggery," he said. "And he was good and constipated, but his screams pushing out that intestinal cement were more like a kitten in a rat trap than like Chad Kroeger from Nickelback. Still pretty cool, though."

Is Metamucil in Kroeger's future?

Minnick said that Nickelback's Kroeger might have physical problems beyond his "cheese chunks."

"The poor guy is gasping like a landed flounder half the time," he said. "I think Chad's caught, like, some kind of weird STD from all those cocks he's been sucking, and maybe the gonnorhea has slid down and infected his vocal cords. I got backstage tickets at their Detroit show, and Chad Kroeger was all over me like a hobo on a hotdog, slobbering down my cock within two minutes of me getting there. That, plus Chad being constipated, of course. Maybe if Kyle sucked as many cocks as Chad Kroeger he could get that sound just right."

Labels: Chad Kroeger, constipation, gonnorhea, Nickelback

Nickelback: banal, talentless, and possibly deadly

(Tallahassee, FL) A 19-year-old FSU freshman died Friday in a tragic accident related to the incessant playing of the Nickelback song "How You Remind Me." Scott Yeagher, a business major, suffered massive head trauma from damage caused by his roommate's obsession with the 2001 hit by the Canadian pop rock band.

"I had just broken up with my girlfriend, and this was our song," said a grieving Jacob Kelleher, Yeagher's roommate. "I saw Scott kind of moaning on his bed, but I just figured he was hung over or something. I would have never played that song if I'd known how dangerous it can be."

This is the ninth Nickelback-related brain trauma in the past two years that the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have been tracking the phenomenon. CDC spokesperson Dr. Patricia Burkhardt said that scientists believe the band's derivative, formulaic music causes dangerous blood clots to form, leading to embolisms and strokes.

"This is music so awful that the red blood cells simply give up and die, clotting together and forming deadly masses of embolic material leading in some cases to sudden ischemic stroke," she said. "Quite simply, Nickelback is a band so bereft of redeeming qualities that even celular-level functions can be harmed by repeated exposure to this horrid noise."

CT scan of Yeagher's brain after Nickelback-induced embolism

Kelleher recalled his roommate's last moments of consciousness.

"The dude was crawling... CRAWLING to me, outstretched hand motioning to me, with a look of utter horror on his face," he sobbed. "May God forgive me for not recognizing Scott was going into a Nickelback coma from which he would never return, and may God forever damn the twits in this shitty band for making music so destructive to life functions."

Labels: Cerebral embolism, Nickelback