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May 31, 2007

Student's Constipated Groan Sounds Exactly Like Nickelback's Singer

Left: Scene of musical mimicry

(Ann Arbor, MI) Sophomore engineering student Tre Minnick remembers clearly the moment his roommate, Kyle Breckenridge, made musical history.

"I was watching TV when Kyle let out this gut-wrenching howl, and I knew right then he was onto something," the University of Michigan recalled. "When he hollered the second time I recognized that constipated growl: it was none other than Chad Kroeger, the lead singer from Nickelback."

Minnick said that Breckenridge has been trying to duplicate the feat ever since his first foray into impersonation, but that recent attempts "fall a little short of the mark."

"Kyle ate nothing but cheese for three straight days to recreate his earlier bowel cloggery," he said. "And he was good and constipated, but his screams pushing out that intestinal cement were more like a kitten in a rat trap than like Chad Kroeger from Nickelback. Still pretty cool, though."

Is Metamucil in Kroeger's future?

Minnick said that Nickelback's Kroeger might have physical problems beyond his "cheese chunks."

"The poor guy is gasping like a landed flounder half the time," he said. "I think Chad's caught, like, some kind of weird STD from all those cocks he's been sucking, and maybe the gonnorhea has slid down and infected his vocal cords. I got backstage tickets at their Detroit show, and Chad Kroeger was all over me like a hobo on a hotdog, slobbering down my cock within two minutes of me getting there. That, plus Chad being constipated, of course. Maybe if Kyle sucked as many cocks as Chad Kroeger he could get that sound just right."

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