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May 22, 2007

Heavy Nickelback Exposure Causes Cerebral Embolism in FSU Student

Nickelback: banal, talentless, and possibly deadly

(Tallahassee, FL) A 19-year-old FSU freshman died Friday in a tragic accident related to the incessant playing of the Nickelback song "How You Remind Me." Scott Yeagher, a business major, suffered massive head trauma from damage caused by his roommate's obsession with the 2001 hit by the Canadian pop rock band.

"I had just broken up with my girlfriend, and this was our song," said a grieving Jacob Kelleher, Yeagher's roommate. "I saw Scott kind of moaning on his bed, but I just figured he was hung over or something. I would have never played that song if I'd known how dangerous it can be."

This is the ninth Nickelback-related brain trauma in the past two years that the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have been tracking the phenomenon. CDC spokesperson Dr. Patricia Burkhardt said that scientists believe the band's derivative, formulaic music causes dangerous blood clots to form, leading to embolisms and strokes.

"This is music so awful that the red blood cells simply give up and die, clotting together and forming deadly masses of embolic material leading in some cases to sudden ischemic stroke," she said. "Quite simply, Nickelback is a band so bereft of redeeming qualities that even celular-level functions can be harmed by repeated exposure to this horrid noise."

CT scan of Yeagher's brain after Nickelback-induced embolism

Kelleher recalled his roommate's last moments of consciousness.

"The dude was crawling... CRAWLING to me, outstretched hand motioning to me, with a look of utter horror on his face," he sobbed. "May God forgive me for not recognizing Scott was going into a Nickelback coma from which he would never return, and may God forever damn the twits in this shitty band for making music so destructive to life functions."

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Damn right. Nickelback DOES suck ass.
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