Codependent Collegian

(Columbus, OH) Ohio State sophomore Ashlee Herrington, speaking with Codependent Collegian reporters in her dorm bathroom, expressed relief at making it back to the comfort of her own bathroom.

"I did have too much to drink," she acknowledged, suppressing a dry heave as she tried to recall her evening. "But I think it was all that sushi, Junior Mints, and salsa I ate before the fraternity kegger that really did me in. I'm a regular Anna Nicole Smith, except I'm not blonde and I'm not dead."

Herrington, an early childhood education major, admitted that she is something of a "lightweight" when it comes to drinking, and this makes her a bit of an anomaly among her peers.

"Ten, twelve beers and I'm just about toast," she said, pausing to gurgle out a mouthful of bilious vomit. "I hang with a bunch of big-time drunks, and I end up like this at least twice a month. You'd think I would learn, but I never seem to know when to quit, and the Kappa Alphas are known to spike drinks with syrup of Ipecac."

There's no place like the toilet at home, sweet home

Making it back to her own toilet is an important weekend goal for Herrington, she said, wiping dried barf remnants from her cheek.

"I feel really bad when I blow chunks in someone else's bathroom," she admitted, letting loose with another Technicolor yawn as reporters dodged the sloshing spewage. "Plus, it's pretty gross to stick your head where, like, twelve guys just pissed. My toilet is always clean, well-lit, and never judgmental, you know?"

Labels: kegger, Ohio State, puking, toilets

Guest editorial by Lance Prospero, evacuation maestro

It is my sincere desire to share with mankind the fruits of my labors, the creativity that dwells deep within me.

That is why I never flush a toilet, and leave my precious bodily byproducts there for all the world to enjoy. This, truly, is a subtle whore, a closet lock and key of villanous secrets.

Whether I produce prodigious stools, watery bowel washings, or my delightful yellowy urine, that which emanates from my body I give unto you.

Some decry what they see as "laziness" or "disgustingness," but they know not what they speak. For my body produces nothing but sumptuous perfection, delivered by mine loins, and I selflessly bequeath my art to the next visitor of this stall.

What light through yonder porcelain breaks?

I pray thee, do not mock me, fellow-student. These funeral-baked meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables from which the next visitor shall partake.

If I quench thee, thou flaming monster, I can again thy former light restore. Should I repent me; but once put out thy light, thou cunning’st pattern of excelling nature, I know not where is that Promethean heat that can thy light relume.

For if I have too austerely punish'd you, your compensation makes amends: for I have given you here a third of mine own life, or that for which I live, and I ratify this my rich gift. As you from crimes would pardon'd be, let your indulgence set me free.

Enjoy, brave Concorde!

Labels: toilets, unflushed toilets