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January 2, 2008

The End Times Are at Hand, Y'all

Guest Prophecy by
Kyle Renser, Ohio State Class of 2010

Yea, sayeth the Lord, for upon the Earth comes a cloud, a cloud that brings deception and delusion, a cloud that will cover the earth as end times approach you. Verily, I say, the Lord thy God foretells a time of woe and despair to begin next Monday, known by sinners as Spring Semester.

Destruction will soon be upon you, sickness will be upon you, and gnashing of teeth will be upon you. The Lord thy God sayeth that His wrath, as manifest in the hurricanes and earthquakes, caused you to tremble in fear, but you have seen nothing, for as in the days of old in Egypt I am about to raise My hand from the land, and the things that came then will pale in comparison with the misery ye shall receive as the term begins.

Think of the Holy Ass-Kicking USC delivered unto the Illini, and ye shall get a glimpse of that which awaits.

I say unto you touch not the unclean things, especially not thine crotch, touch not and enter not into the wicked world, but keep yourself clean from these things. For it is through cleanliness from the world and abstention from evil that you shall sustain you in this coming term, sayeth the Lord. Those who touch not the $4.00 pitchers at yon Big Kahuna's Beach Club and those who hide themselves from the Wet T-Shirt contests at yon Deja Vu will be those I hold close to My Holy Bosom, and who shall not flunketh out of school in this term of misery and woe.

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