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May 6, 2006

Student's Dad Already Sick of the Little Punk

(DeKalb, IL) Left: Dysfunctional, or just an asshole?

Martin Schoenberger admits that he and his son "did not have exactly the smoothest relationship" when Mitchell lived at home.

Schoenberger thought that Mitchell's first year away at the University of Kentucky would give the two men a chance to have some breathing room.

"Mitchell's been home exactly twelve hours, and I think I might wring his fucking neck before nightfall," admitted Schoenberger. "His smart mouth and his punk-ass attitude have got to go."

Among Dad's biggest beefs with his son: the new nose piercing that Mitchell got during his first week at UK.

"It's this little green emerald on the side of his nose, and it looks like a booger," he said. "If the kid wants to go around looking like Eminem, so be it, but why does he have to look like Eminem with a goddamn booger?"

Left: Mitchell, the weasel-dick son

Schoenberger said that a "planning session" that was held with Mitchell after he unloaded his gear turned sour.

"He showed up with headphones on and swaggering into the kitchen like Superfly or something," he said. "I told him that if I wanted Isaac Hayes for a son, I would have married a black chick. Things just went downhill after that."

The last hope before tossing his son out, said Schoenberger, will be family counseling.

"but if we get one of those touchy-feely types, I am out of there faster than a set of gold rims in the ghetto," he said. Stephen Colbert

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