May 9, 2006
Sorority Car Wash Ends in Catfight
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor(Gainsville, FL)— The girls of Delta Phi Omega hoped their week-long car wash would help raise funds for a summer charity program, but sadly the event ended abruptly this morning when an argument between two sisters descended into a slow-motion catfight.
Among the violent acts reported by University of Florida security were blasts from erect hoses, lathering with soapy sponges, and the occasional slap of a wet ass.
“This is a sad day for our institution and for Greek life,” said Tim Owings, a spokesperson for the university. “I hope that by watching the film footage over and over again, my colleagues and I can get to the slippery, taught bottom of this catastrophe.”
Others were not so quick to denounce the situation, however. Many bystanders felt that the raucous behavior bolstered carwash sales and made for a more enjoyable experience.
"I haven’t had a hard-on since my first night in ‘Nam,'" revealed Sgt. Mark Squire, a retired Army infantryman. “But when those girls punched each other on the hood of that Camaro, I got home to Becky faster than a greased pig. It was go time.” Stephen Colbert
