May 11, 2006
Book-It! Reading Program Part of Elaborate Drug Ring
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue EditorBook-It’s Blatantly Tripped-Out Psychedelic Symbol
(New York, NY)—Book-It!, a community reading program sponsored by Pizza Hut since the 1980s, has recently been indicted as part of an ongoing investigation for the widespread sale and distribution of illegal narcotics.
Originally, the nationally respected program was intended to offer incentives—such as a free lunch or personal pan pizza—to help foster at-home learning through the power of literature, especially among working class and underprivileged families.
Sadly, recent evidence shows that Book-It! has been an elaborate ruse, and instead has indoctrinated thousands of children and established an underground drug ring spanning from the Mexican border to New England.
“I thought my Lucy was reading because she wanted the positive attention,” wept an Atlanta-area mother, who chose to remain anonymous in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian. “Instead, she was reading because she was addicted to [crystal] meth, and was selling it on the streets. She’s only 9 years old—god damn you, Pizza Hut!”
While PepsiCo, Inc. has yet to release an official statement, one former employee was compelled by conscience to share their sinister methods.
“I saw my manger putting raw cocaine in the parmesan cheese shaker,” revealed Sheldon Lewis, 19, of Millersville, PA. “How can a child resist that? I thought I was getting a summer job, but now I’m looking at 3-5 years for possession. No amount of free breadsticks is worth this.” Stephen Colbert
