Codependent Collegian

Left: Happy homemaker...

(Columbus, OH) An Ohio State chemistry project reveals that the popular Swiffer cleaning products contain high levels of methamphetamines, and that the Swiffer brand exists solely to promote the use of crystal meth.

"What's even crazier is that the company isn't trying to hide it," said Dr. Richard Berrigan. "In the Swiffer ads you've got these middle class speed freaks looking for dust at 2 am and sweeping areas already immaculate. That's just wrong."

Researchers found that the repetitive back-and-forth mottions release large amounts of the stimulant, and that users are addicted before the first package is used up.

"There is a cloud of crank that envelops a person as she cleans," said Berrigan. "We think the original intent was to create a feeling of euphoria and well-being through cleaning, but what is happening is that a whole new class of snow addicts is appearing."

Left: Same woman, eight weeks later

Former user Tara Jennings describes how Swiffer wrecked her life.

"I had it all - three kids, a nice suburban house, and a loving husband," she said, looking at her shoes. "After Swiffer came into my life I went downhill fast, and became a full-blown, meth-smoking street whore. Thanks for nothing, Swiffer."

Jennings said that she had no idea that the cleaning product could be so dangerous.

"I thought I was just going to have a tidy house," she said, holding her head in her hands. "I never knew that Swiffer was a gateway drug. I just thought Swiffer Dusters had the trapping power of Swiffer in a fluffy, go-anywhere form. Little did I know they were load with crystal meth. If I wasn't on shock probation, I would go to the Swiffer headquarters and raise some holy hell, no doubt." Pentagon video