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May 26, 2006

Perpetual Stink Abides in Varsity Clubhouse

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(State College, PA)—After a remarkable 11-1 season, Penn State’s Nittany Lions returned to their legacy of impeccable athleticism last fall, and not only won the 2006 Orange Bowl, but finished the year ranked No. 3 overall in the nation.

Sadly, while the players returned home to their families after the spring term ended, their collective cloud of swamp-ass has lingered in the team clubhouse, foiling every effort by contractual custodial workers to exorcise the stench.

“That place smells worse than a fishing village in Nha Trang,” remarked Stan Pinski, a retired Army infantryman and thirty year veteran of the janitorial arts. “Seriously, I’m not fucking around—last Tuesday we threw 20 gallons of bleach on the showers and floors, and Bill [Montoya, a fellow custodian] almost barfed before we made it out.”

And while such matters may seem of minor concern during the early weeks of summer, Pinski is quick to show the impending repercussions of letting the stink fester.

“You know, they have to give tours of this place to new students and their mommies,” Pinski lamented. “I can’t have some cow from Altoona fainting in here—I still have shrapnel in my back, and Uncle Sam don’t pay the bills the way he used to. Where’s some napalm when ya need it?” American Idol Da Vinci Code Macbook Lordi Friki

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