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May 8, 2006

Student Refuses to Vacate Dorm: "Make Me!"

(East Lansing, MI) Junior business major Stephen "Packy" Dern knows that his dorm is going to sit vacant for the next four months, and wonders whu he can't just stay there.

"It's not like they are going to do any maintenace in this dump or anything," he said the Michigan State student. "I see no reason why I should have to leave."

Dern said that his strategy is simple: he is camping out in the bathroom until the university finally makes its move.

"I'm not exactly the most svelte person, if you know what I mean," he said of his impressive girth. "I'm keeping the tub filled with all sorts of body oils and conditioners, so they will have a hell of a time holding on to me."

Dern equates his struggle with that of the 1960s civil rights movement.

"I'm kind of like MLK, except I'm a fat white guy and I smoke no-brand cigarettes," he said. "That, and I am not a Reverend. But the other guys in the quad call me the "Doctor of Love," so in that way we are alike." Stephen Colbert

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