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May 22, 2006

Campus Nurse Passes Time by Popping Pills

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Springfield, IL)—Long gone is the endless parade of STDs and panicked pregnancies at the University of Illinois’ Springfield campus. Also in the past are the sprained wrists and stiff backs from impromptu games of ultimate frisbee on the central quad. Summer has descended like a thick fog, and there is only a tiny fraction of students roaming the halls now, retaking sections of freshman composition or trigonometry.

This is why, after eight years of loyal service, head nurse Vicky Heller has begun popping pills at random, desperately hoping for some sort of transcendent hallucinatory experience.

“I’ve never stayed on during the summer ‘cause I heard it got lonely,” Heller relayed in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian. “But I thought the extra money could help Jim and I finish the basement off. Boy, was I wrong. Could you hand me that bottle of purple stuff?”

Heller has yet to address a single sniffle or genital rash since the spring term ended two weeks ago, and is becoming more adventurous in her drug experimentation due to the crippling effects of boredom.

“Yesterday I took a cocktail of three morning-after pills, seven Allegra tablets, and a fistful of raw Dextromethorphan capsules. Within fifteen minutes, I felt like there was a [Grateful] Dead show in my head,” Heller recalled. “It was a good set, too; they opened with an acoustic version of ‘China Cat’ before jamming into ‘Uncle John’s Band.’”

Heller is uncertain when her pharmaceutical adventure will end, but insists it will not interfere with her ability to ethically practice medicine.

“My nipples feel like raw salami, Billy,” Heller poetically reflected. “Can you go turn the radio up? I think there’s an old mix-tape in that jar of tongue depressors. Wait—I’ll rewind it with my mind.” American Idol Da Vinci Code Macbook Lordi

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