.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
May 22, 2006

Campus Nurse Passes Time by Popping Pills

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Springfield, IL)—Long gone is the endless parade of STDs and panicked pregnancies at the University of Illinois’ Springfield campus. Also in the past are the sprained wrists and stiff backs from impromptu games of ultimate frisbee on the central quad. Summer has descended like a thick fog, and there is only a tiny fraction of students roaming the halls now, retaking sections of freshman composition or trigonometry.

This is why, after eight years of loyal service, head nurse Vicky Heller has begun popping pills at random, desperately hoping for some sort of transcendent hallucinatory experience.

“I’ve never stayed on during the summer ‘cause I heard it got lonely,” Heller relayed in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian. “But I thought the extra money could help Jim and I finish the basement off. Boy, was I wrong. Could you hand me that bottle of purple stuff?”

Heller has yet to address a single sniffle or genital rash since the spring term ended two weeks ago, and is becoming more adventurous in her drug experimentation due to the crippling effects of boredom.

“Yesterday I took a cocktail of three morning-after pills, seven Allegra tablets, and a fistful of raw Dextromethorphan capsules. Within fifteen minutes, I felt like there was a [Grateful] Dead show in my head,” Heller recalled. “It was a good set, too; they opened with an acoustic version of ‘China Cat’ before jamming into ‘Uncle John’s Band.’”

Heller is uncertain when her pharmaceutical adventure will end, but insists it will not interfere with her ability to ethically practice medicine.

“My nipples feel like raw salami, Billy,” Heller poetically reflected. “Can you go turn the radio up? I think there’s an old mix-tape in that jar of tongue depressors. Wait—I’ll rewind it with my mind.” American Idol Da Vinci Code Macbook Lordi

Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?