May 18, 2006
College House Addresses Immigration Problems
Left: Illegals getting the upper hand(Baltimore, MD) Derrick Lingenschnauffer, in whose name is the lease for the house on West North Avenue, appeared before his fellow Coppin State housemates yesterday to discuss the critical problem of illegal immigration.
"A group of slimy bastards from Poplar Grove Street - and they know who they are - have been calling this place "home" without obtaining legal residency in the guise of actual rent," said Lingenschnauffer. "The tremendous social costs in the form of missing Doritos and backed-up toliets put the natural residents of this place in one seriously foul mood."
Lingenschnauffer said the residents of the house must unite to fight the illegal aliens.
"Each of us bears a responsibility to keep 1904 West North Avenue a safe and prosperous homeland," he said. "It is with this goal that we will install a card reader front door lock, as well as a big-ass fence to keep scum like Spliffy and Moe the hell away from here."
One of the major hurdles the house faces, said Lingenschnauffer, was the "touchy-feely liberal element" in the house.
"Look - these low-lifes carry diseases, and they take up space that could go to actual cash-possessing tenants," he said. "I know how easy it is to feel sorry for them, but they take the money they save on rent and ship it off to out-of-town dope dealers. It's time we take a stand for freedom and our heritage, if not our collective rent." American Idol Da Vinci Code Macbook
