Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Hask: Taking His Disciplinary Suspension in Stride

(Durham, NC)—Duke University junior Matthew Hask has never been one to fully embrace the intellectual pursuits of academic study, and as the rebellious son of a Baptist minister, he has begrudged much of his coursework as a Comparative Religion major.

Still, it came as an “utter shock” to his friends and family alike when Hask was caught earlier this week plagiarizing an ethics presentation on, of all things, plagiarism.

“Look dude, Professor Robinson is a complete bitch, and with March Madness going on, how am I suppose to find the time to do research in the library?” Hask beseeched as he cracked his first beer of the afternoon. “I mean, I still gave the presentation, so I should still get some credit. I mean, the handout and PowerPoint were … borrowed … but it was still me up there talking n’ stuff. I even wore a clean pair of jeans that day.”

Hask said that there were "extenuating circumstances" that should mitigate his "error."

"Listen - I downloaded the shit, gave it a catchy file name, and even added a couple of cool pics featuring some hot-looking Vassar chicks," he said, pausing to belch. "Doesn't that count for something? I spent like two hours searching for all of this, although that does include my break time, when I smoked a couple of bowls and listened to In the Court of the Crimson King."

King Crimson also an inspiration for the borrowed presentation

Sadly, Ethics Professor Diana Robinson could not see past the irony of Hask’s behavior.

“Can you fucking believe this kid?” Robinson moaned while pausing from a looming stack of essays. “As an upperclassman, he only had to give one presentation all semester in this course, and he stole all his materials from the internet. I mean, his PowerPoint still had the name of some professor from Clemson on it, for Christ’s sake. Hask is looking forward to a lifetime of pumping gas if he doesn’t get his shit straight.”

Labels: Duke University, King Crimson, plagiarism, Vassar

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Rowland: Hard at work stealing the ideas of other people

(Ann Arbor, MI)—It has been no secret this semester that University of Michigan sophomore Grace Rowland is, by all accounts, “dumber than a retarded deer slurping antifreeze,” and her struggles in advanced composition have been well-documented by her peers as well as her instructor.

But it still came as a shock, says Professor Upton Matthews, when she steadfastly denied plagiarizing her last essay of the semester, and had the “thickheaded audacity” to coyly flirt her way through his confrontation.

“Some academics still want to debate the finer points of plagiarism, and I respect that,” Matthews mumbled between bites from a tuna sandwich during his office hours yesterday afternoon. “But this is what we call a slam dunk: I found this girl’s first three paragraphs on freecollegepapers.com. Let’s just say I don’t remember her attending my lecture on Shakespeare’s sonnets and ‘verisimilitude’ this semester.”

So, like, this Shakespeare dude? He was all up into this girl's verisimilitude and stuff.

Rowland’s classmates also commented on her intellectual deficiencies.

“Earlier this week she asked me to help her revise this last essay,” recalled Literature major Ian Bolger, as he sat nestled deep within the stacks of Shapiro Library. “I knew she stole most of it, so I nervously said something about citations. She was like a stoner with a Rubik’s Cube—she just stared blankly, as if she’d never heard of citations in her life.”

When finally confronted, Rowland chose the path of denial rather than disclosure, so only the final exam and fate will decide whether or not she can successfully complete the course.

“Brother, she knew she was busted, but she gave me this long song-and-dance about being alone at night, not having anyone to help her study, etcetera,” Matthews affirmed. “Meanwhile, she stripped her sweater off, tied it right under her tits, and breathily asked to talk with me ‘in private.’ What a dumbass. When she saw the Rainbow Pride poster back in my office, she knew the jig was up.”

Labels: plagiarism, University of Michigan