Codependent Collegian

(Baltimore) Researchers at Johns Hopkins University released the results of a study yesterday linking oral sex with an active date calendar, noting that having oral sex with more than six people triples the likelihood that a person will never be alone on a Saturday night.

"We can categorically state that those who regularly perform oral sex have no difficulty whatsoever finding dates," said Wolf Gerken, a spokesman for the research group. "It seems that once words gets around that a man or woman digs getting freaky like that, their social popularity skyrockets."

Gerken said that there are "additional outcomes" associated with a willingness to perform oral sex.

"There is an inverse relationship between paying for dinner and the promise of a hummer," he observed. "And interestingly, the breakdown between sexes is pretty consistent - if your mouth goes south, you are just about assured of more than one free meal."

Left: Oral sex recipients generally quite happy to pay for dinner and drinks

Gerken noted that there is at least one drawback associated with increased rates of oral sex performance that is sometimes overlooked by practitioners.

"It is sometimes difficult to get a goodnight kiss after one of these dates," he admitted, while adding that second dates are "rarely" a problem. "But that is a small price to pay for a 12-ounce filet mignon and a bottle of a decent cabernet sauvignon, am I right?"

Labels: Johns Hopkins, oral sex, popularity

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Kylie Greenbeck - the next Sylvia Plath?

(Baltimore)—Janis Greenbeck, Administrative Assistant for the English Department at Johns Hopkins University, continues to send unwarranted bulk emails of her daughter’s poetry to faculty members despite repeated requests for her to desist.

The conflict, according to sources contacted by the Codependent Collegian, stems from Greenbeck’s unrealistic hope that her daughter Kylie, 13, will land a prestigious publishing deal with the help of a sympathetic professor.

And while Greenbeck is unwavering in her enthusiastic support of Kylie’s literary aspirations, JHU’s English faculty are nearing their boiling point.

“I spent a week down on the Carolina coast, and came back to find my inbox teeming with this unreadable pre-teen verse,” huffed Dr. Jon Vichy, an expert in British Romanticism. “We used to joke about this crap during our department meetings, but it’s not funny anymore. Her daughter needs some counseling and a thesaurus — in that order.”

Left: Greenbeck "just wants the best" for her young poet

Despite constant criticism, Greenbeck believes her daughter has undeniable talent.

“Kylie has a poet’s perspective on life, and her words are pure music,” Greenbeck proudly asserted before quoting the following lines from Kylie’s piece entitled “Witness”:

I am the lost child of hell
suffering, dying alone
praying to oblivion,
a lake of fire, your lips,
touch the blank canvas of my thigh.

Greenbeck paused before adding, tearfully: “If that isn’t poetry, sir, I don’t know what is.”

Labels: English literature, Johns Hopkins, poetry