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March 9, 2007

Student Feels "Ripped Off" After Lame-Ass Spring Break

(Ann Arbor, MI) This spring break was going to be a memorable one for Kyle Neary, but the University of Michigan sophomore found that his time away from the college grind left something to be desired.

In fact, claimed Neary, his break has been "one nasty piece of corn-flecked turd."

"I had big plans - we were going to hit Daytona, meet some babes, and party for nine straight days," mused Neary, sitting on a couch in his parents' home watching an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants with his kid brother. "But every one of my so-called friends backed out, and here I am, having the worst of all possible spring breaks. Fuck me."

Neary said he still had hopes of "salvaging something" from his break earlier in the week.

"Me, Brad, and Matt were going to drive like mad to Jacksonville so we could go to the Taste of Chaos Tour at the Morocco Shrine Auditorium, but the gaywads backed out on Tuesday," he said, throwing a dirty sock at his brother. "Matt's all like: 'Oh, my mom's not going to like me driving her minivan all the way to Florida' and shit. Come on, dude - the bitch is, like, in New York with her boyfriend for the weekend. Matt's so totally gay."

What is and what will never be

Neary said that he has resigned himself to the fact that his spring break is doomed to "epic fail."

"I'm pretty much fucked four ways to midnight," he said, stuffing his brother upside-down into a sleeping bag. "It will take a miracle for something to happen now, especially since there's only two days left until I go back to U of M. Even the cum dumpster chicks are all out of town, so I can't even get nine minutes of skanky car sex with someone like [noted slut] Marissa Prouty. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you, or some shit like that."

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Aw, poor little trust-fund baby! Here's a thought, GET A JOB, LAZY ASS.
Pretty good job guys. A lot of funny premises in your articles overall. Laughed several times.
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