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March 22, 2007

Spring Weather Ushers Abundance of Titty on Campuses Nationwide

A Codependent Collegian Special Report
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor


These Girls Are Ready for Class

For many Americans, March signifies the last hoorah of winter, and can appear only marginally different from previous winter months, with its freak snowstorms, high winds, and bleak, bitter sunsets. Prudence, it seems, implores us to patiently endure another few weeks of cold since April and her rejuvenating rains are merely around the corner.

Thankfully, this conventional human submissiveness is scant on most of our nation’s college and universities campuses, where, in the wake of early Spring Breaks, young co-eds are showing cleavage at impressive rates, thus making March the month of spiritual and physical renewal.

“I got my first tenure-track position back in ’84,” remarked Professor Stan Berkowitz, a remedial mathematics professor at Louisiana State University. “Even in the Deep South, you couldn’t see any boobage back then until about June, and that was if you were lucky. In fact, many of us taught summer classes just to get a daily glimpse at those chesticles. But now, hell—March is where it’s at. It’s like a flesh parade up in here.”

Other academics corroborated Berkowitz’s claim about this outburst of cleavage.

“Man, the life of a grad assistant is par excellence this time of year,” boasted Tim Vickers, a PhD candidate in literature at the University of Pennsylvania. “I only teach low-level composition courses, so I get these girls straight out of high school. The first day it broke 60 degrees in Philly, I thought they’d passed some kind of city ordinance or some shit. There was more tit than you could shake a stick at…well, that might be a mixed metaphor, but you get my point.”

Mmmmmmm- springtime

And while some feel that this mammary fixation is shallow, Freudian, and merely reinforces the objectification of women, many contend that it is a powerful symbol of life’s true effervescence.

“My roommate and best friend—I’ll call him ‘Dan’—is overweight, chronically depressed, and has constant thoughts of suicide,” revealed a tearful Matt Suttin, a sophomore at Bowling Green University. “That was until last week, though, when these immaculate cans started emerging on campus. He’s a new man now. He’s hitting the gym, eating more salads—these luscious boobs saved his life. And for that, sir, I am in their eternal debt.”

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I just spooged in my pants. That is all.
 
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