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March 25, 2007

Campus Crusade for Christ May Be Last Hope for Flunking Student

Left: Debnow hoping for a miracle, or at least all D's

(State College, PA) The spring semester has been a difficult one for Penn State sophomore Tyler Debnow, who is currently failing three of the four courses for which he registered.

"And I have a low D in physics," added the second-year engineering student, referring to the one course that he is not flunking.

Debnow's solution is a novel one: he joined the Campus Crusade for Christ, and is dedicating himself to Jesus in hopes of passing.

"Look, there is no way in hell - excuse my language - that mere studying will bring up my grades enough to pass," he said, noting that his lowest grade is 26 percent in Comp II. "I figure that Jesus will be able to deliver me from mine enemies, and defend me from them that rise up against me. Especially Professor Harris, who is one unrighteous checker of punctuation."

Debnow first learned of Campus Crusade for Christ on spring break in Daytona.

"Believe it or not, they were working the bars and the beaches to convert the partiers," he said. "I was lying on the beach, all fucked up on Ecstasy and Patron Reposado, when this CCC chick gave me a pamphlet. That was when it all made sense to me - Jesus could save my GPA."

The Way, The Truth, and The Last Hope for Debnow

Among the changes that Debnow has made include a daily prayer regimen and consultations with the Campus Crusade youth ministry.

"Oh yeah - I'm on my knees every day, dude, asking Jesus to deliver me from my sins and save me from the academic dean's wrath," he said, making the sign of the Cross. "And there's this hottie from CCC who is totally worried for my soul. If I play my cards right, I'll bag passing grades AND some virginal Christian booty. Amen to that, brother."

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DON"T YOU THINK GOD CAN SEE THROUGH THIS KID'S ACT???
 
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