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March 6, 2007

Student Loses Syllabus 19 Times, Sets Record for Incompetence

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Hertridge: Clumsier than a drunken midget in a dildo factory

(Washington, DC)—Georgetown University freshman Chad Hertridge has never been a responsible fellow: as a child, he broke most of his mother’s good china, smeared Easter chocolate on the family Bible, and soiled most of his ‘school clothes’ while playing in the backyard.

Hertridge had hoped this streak of capriciousness would end when he began college, but sadly, he has lost all four of his course syllabi a record nineteen times, and is utterly unprepared for the midterms which begin next week.

“Holy fuck, I’m screwed,” Hertridge bemoaned while dousing a spaghetti-stained pair of slacks with pretreatment gel. “Dr. Rabkowski [professor of philosophy] is like, the meanest S.O.B. on campus, and I’m averaging three syllabi a week in his course. Hell, I lost my copy on the way from his office back to my dorm room. He’s probably killed an entire Albertan forest for me.”

The syllabus that just won't stick

Hertridge continued to explain how his “old tricks” from high school no longer worked in the collegiate setting.

“Man, in high school, I would just show up to class about 7-8 minutes early, ask some geeky chick what the homework was, and pound that shit out,” Hertridge remarked. “That don’t fly anymore, though. Hell, I can’t get anybody to even talk to me in my bio class. My lab partner said that if I speak to her again this semester, she would pepper-spray my ass. So much for that Japanese cordiality.”

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